The Story of My Struggle Part 56 - Waiting the Presence of My Child

Unnoticed, our marriage periods was already running for more than one year, but we still had no signs of pregnancy. Then my husband tried to consult via telephone with Mr. Susetyo (deceased). My husband asked that, he (Sutejo BA) or I couldn't had a children because of us is already got barren? According to Mr. Susetyo, that we're both healthy and normal and we will be able to get pregnant after we moved to Java. And he also advises that my stomach massaged by a masseur.

One day he (Mr. Susetyo) contacted my husband via phone. He said bluntly, that he asked for a parrot. And my husband answered he would try to finf the parrot he wants. Until one day, we got a chance and there is a bird merchant came to my husband's office. My husband and I immediately bought 2 parrot , after the price is agreed, for one of the bird at a price of Rp. 125,000.

Our desire to have children soon made ​​my husband looking for help on an official who works at the office Mutations and Promotion in Central Jakarta. Until my husband finally received a decision letter from headquarters on duty to move my husband. My husband, at least, moved his task to the Pegadaian Company, in the branches of Banyumas City. As a token of our gratitude, my husband hand him a reward of Rp. 750,000.

In my memory on Friday, September 25, 1995, we had our flight to the airport in the city of Pontianak Supadio. We went to the city of Yogyakarta with Merpati airlines, and we stayed at the house owned by Mr. Sunarto, my husband's elder brother. We stayed only one night, and the next morning we set off to return to my home in Pemalang. And for a while the two of our parrot, we dropped it at Mr. Sunarto house, my husband's elder brother.

Arrived at my parents' house in Pemalang, around 16:00 in the afternoon. Both my parents and my sister SN Murti, welcomed me very happy. Then she told a news to me about the accident of my former employer named Mr. Kohari SH. I was surprised and I suddenly remembered the words in my heart, "Could a healthy person die?" Ohh yeah, basically he usually went to the offce by driving a car. He certainly could have died because of a traffic accident."

Murti heard that news of Sri Sukesti. According to the story that Mr. Agus Kohari SH with his bride and his family and his entourage headed to the home of the groom's parents. But when he was on the way he got an accident, and he died. I did not feel sad at the news. But I am proud because God hears my curse. God hears and answers my prayer even if that better or worse, than those who persecuted but always be patient and do good.

The next day on Sunday I went to the city of Banyumas. And I find a lodging. And I got in an inn is named Slamet. It's very bad, and finally I do not want to stay in that place. Then we headed to the Gate Pawnshop office which is only about less than 1 Kilometer. And on that day we were in housing.

One day, my husband received a news by telephone, that one the newly deposited parrot for about two weeks had been dead. And about a week later my husband received a news again that the only parrot were died too. So my husband contacted Mr. Susetyo (Deceased) by telephone to inform him, that all of our parrot were finally die. Instead, my husband then gave a sum of money for about Rp. 500,000 to Mr. Susetyo.

In October, I invited an old woman, a masseuse. And she massaged my whole body and my stomach, with a massage in accordance with the advice of Mr. Susetyo (deceased). Finally, in early December I missed a period of my menstruation. Therefore, my husband contacted him by phone. He said that I was pregnant with a baby fetus in the womb 1 month of age. That was my first pregnancy but failed due to the carelessness of a physician's assistant master Dr . Amrizal.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 55 - Lonely and Often Having Nightmare

I'm very sad because I feel lonely, and I'm afraid if I left by my husband at home alone, when he had to go to a meeting or to undergo education and job training and overnight. One day he had gone to a meeting and overnight. In my house alone. At night I ate prawn crackers and drinking orange syrup. Not long after that I'm getting vomited. Throughout the night and into the next day all day.

In sickness, but I don't think to go to the doctor alone, or ask the guard office. I'm just hold out to wait for my husband to went home and my husband came home around 5pm. After evening time my husband and I went to a doctor, Dr. Alit. He said that I getting stomach ulcers.

Almost every time I get sleep, I often dreamed of birds, although I always get my pray before I try to sleep. In the dream I saw a large trucks that chasing me. The truck didn't had a driver. But as in my mind, that was a demon. And I often dream about my husband who asked for intercourse. But I do not want to serve him, because I know that he is not my husband in real, but the incarnation of the devil.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 54 - Got a Mate

One day in February 1993, I received a letter from my sister, SN Giharti residing in Cirebon. She followed her husband who works in the office of Perum Pegadaian, a Pawning Department, in the city of Cirebon. He gave me a paper that said a man's name and office address. He named Sutejo, BA. and the address of his office, at Pontianak's District, Streets H.O.S Cokroaminoto No. 264, West Kalimantan. He told me that I sent a letter to the man's to get an acquaintance. However, I feel inferior, and pessimistic as I am not a working woman who can make money. Though the men in time, when I was a girl once until today, tend to prefer a woman who has a money income.

One day, in the next month of March, I received a letter from SN Giharti again, she told me if one day, I received a letter from Mr. Sutejo, I didn't need to give long-winded answers. But, I must admit that I have sent a letter to the man's to being acquaintance with him. She said that he had sent a letter along with photos of my acquaintance to you Sutejo, without my knowledge. Until one day, I received a letter from Mr. Sutejo, then I give my letter and answer honestly say that it was not me who sent  acquaintances's letters.

Finally, we corresponded until on Sunday, August 22, 1993, he came to my parents' house at around 3:00 PM. At that time, I was sweeping the yard beside the house. When I first saw him, my heart was happy. Before he entered the house, he greeted, "Assalamu'alaikum." And I replied, "Wa'alaikumsalam." He sat in the living room, waiting for me to shower and dress up. Finished up, I saw him and I sat on his right. Then he said, directly, "What about if my parents also came here to apply for our propose....?" Spontaneous I nodded and said yes.

In the evening, he spent the night at my house. The next morning, he was invited me to go to the house of his parents in Purworedjo, to be introduced to his family. I stayed there overnight. The next morning, he take me went home. He also went back to the house in Purworedjo. On the following evening, his parents came to my parent's house to propose to me. For three days, he was in my parents' house. On Saturday afternoon, he went to Jakarta, and the week she stayed at her brother, Sunarto. The next day, he went to Mempawah, to get back to work. For three months, we split up. Until finally we got married on Saturday Wage, dated November 6th, 1993.

When our family held a wedding celebration, most people around us do not want to help with their energy, though it will be paid with money. Fortunately, there are still brothers, relatives, and friends who want to help us, too Marniti. I and Marniti invitation card spread to almost all of my friends who joined the Youth organization. Only a small portion of my friends for help. Many people around who feel envy, heard the news of my wedding, because I get a husband who has a position as District's Manager at the Perum Pegadaian. So since then, the degree and dignity of my family were raised.

After I got married for one week, then on Friday afternoon my husband and I went to Jakarta City, and we're arrived in Jakarta City in the morning, we spent the night at the house of my husband's elder brother. On the next day in the weekend at 14 November 1993, we went to Mempawah Town, in the province of West Kalimantan.

At the beginning of the our weddings period, in a few months I felt happy, even though my husband is not in the romantic habits. I was married to him not for love, but because I need to stay live with him because my parents live in poverty. In addition to that, I have almost reached in the age of 30 years.

When our wedding had passed a few months, we have not yet thought of getting a child. But eventually I was worried too much when our marriage has been running for more than 6 months. At first my husband and I loved to entertain, so I remain optimistic to be able to get a child. But finally he getting bored by himself and every went home to our home-office is always looked with sullen look on my face.

His previous habit is always to help wash our clothes, when I was busy cooking to provide breakfast. He is washing with soap and rinsing my clothes 2 times. Eventually he becomes lazy if he had to wash my pants are made ​​from thick like jeans. He's always pouting face. He does not like to wash clothes made ​​from thick leathers, heavy cause. Though I never asked him to help me.

Habits like he previously was a timely return home for lunch at 12:30 pm. I have always faithfully waiting for him to came home and eat together. But in the end he likes to made me upset, and angry. When I faithfully waited for him for lunch until about 3:00 pm, he didn't came home, for just the reason he was busy. But he never called me and told me that I was eating beforehand.

Another habit is that he likes to watch TV until late at night, almost every night he always fell asleep in front of the TV with the TV lights circumstances, without first turning off the TV in the middle of the night if I did not wake up, then the TV will remain lit until morning. Almost every night, I always remind him to turn off the TV before she slept. But the bad habit of constantly repeated, made me think and feel that he intentionally committed the act to made me getting upset, so I sometimes slept in separate rooms.

His attitude isn't romantic and rarely talk made me not like him and I cry and sometimes I even went home to my parents house, I even told my husband to marry again if he wants to have children soon. But when I say that sentences, he said, "Did you stop loving me anymore ... " When he said that, I am just getting speechless.

In a period of more than one year I wait for my pregnancy, I got menstruation, my hope that I wouldn't getting menstruation anymore, as a sign that I getting pregnant, but when the menstruations period came I always feel disappointed and I become stressed. I 've come to an obstetrician named Dr. Totong Swargono. The doctor said that he would take my ovum by inserting her finger into my pussy. But I am too shy and I don't want to do it.

I feel very lonely for being in home alone. My husband got home from work around 4 pm. And after maghrib (evening) time around 6:30 pm, he went to the office to work overtime. Home around 9-10 nights. I was in home alone, I feel Takur. So I had like to follow my husband to the office. I love to helping my husband's job.

The nature of my husband's habit was grumpy, but not to be rude that hurt me with his hands. When he making a mistake in his work, and I made a joke by saying, "fool", he spontaneously said, "Talk with an ethics! I do not like it..." But, indeed, he did not keep his words. It is easy to give advice to others, but in himself/herself is not necessarily able to do what is said by others.

In the office sometimes my husband goes into the barn and opened the vault where the gold storage. Sometimes I went in and look at the various models of gold jewelry. If I am interested in the model, then I asked my husband to buy gold jewelry from the same model I wanted.

One day, when I was with my husband in the office, and when he was writting in his work, he said that there are some fake gold jewelry pawned by customers. Then I said, "I want to see it, dear..." Spontaneous he replied in a tone of voice rather yell, "Why do you loving that jewelry too much.." The words he made ​​me getting very embarrassed and hurt. If it's true that I just too much loving jewelry, I certainly don't want to marry him. Because when he proposed a marriage to me, he did not own property. He only had a saving just Rp.4 million. These words are the first time that he hurt my feelings.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 53 - Working as a Housekeeper

I live in a great suffering, but strangely I couldn't cry, until one day, in my memory at October 1992, my nephew, who was named Sri Sukesti, come to my house. Both my parents to meet her, and she expressed her desire to my parents that she wanted to invite me to Jakarta. There she worked as a domestic helper. 

From inside my room listening to their conversation. She said that her employer, Mr. Agus Kohari, office manager at BNI, need a maid one more, and he would pay for schools and other computer courses. I think that he will try, so that I can work in a bank, in a place where he worked. When I was still inside under the bed and being dhikr with the rosary. But then I wake up and see her because I was interested in what she has to say to my parents. 

My desire to go to work in her place, I told my parents. But I still have doubts, but my father did not agree. Because the job is a job that wasn't dignified. I beg to blunt my parents, until they finally let me to go to Jakarta. 

The next day on Sunday around 08.00 AM, I and Sri Sukesti went to the city of Jakarta. I was equipped with money only Rp.20,000, and the cost of my transport, is of her own. Arriving at her employer's house, he met me. Mr. Agus Kohari, asked about my age and my education. He said he would pay for computer courses. 

At the home of Mr. Agus Kohari, I was work without any break. Wake up in the morning around 04.00 AM. After the morning prayers, then I soak the clothes, then I was sweeping, mopping, and washing clothes, and cooking, after that I ironing clothes. Just one day of work, I already feel exhausted, because I work with no time to rest. I have to serve a lot of construction workers who were repairing the house. I am too busy with work, I always make a late meal and a prayer, with the exception of the dawn prayer. My breakfast around 11:00 AM, while eating lunch at 2:30 PM,. At around 08.00 pm, I was feeling very tired and sleepy, so I slept before I got a dinner. 

I am trying to stay afloat working there, up to 1 week in the duration time. I survived because I need a lot of money. I work less than one week, but the hostess had scolded me for no reason. When I was mopping the floor, she suddenly said, "Enough! Go to sleep!! Do not work!!" One coincidence on the 9th day of my work, I got a telegram from my friend, Miss Sri Marhaeni living in Boyolali. She told me that I was accepted to work at the Notary office in Solo City. For these reasons, then I want to stop working as a housekeeper. At that time, the hostess asked me that I go home after the Eid al-Fitr, which will come in December 1992, but I refused. 

In addition to these reasons, I also have experienced the fear with a construction worker, who a few days earlier he had been peeping through the glass window above me, when I would wear my clothes after a bath, and he saw me, when I was only wearing underwear. I became really hate to see him. The next day, Sri Sukesti see that the fence existing with a barbed wire around the bedroom window I left, was cut, so I think that the barbed wire was decided to be cut off by the construction workers that had ever peek me. And he has a malicious intent on me at night. 

On the next morning, I immediately packed up to go home. In the morning, I did not get to see Mr. and Mrs. Agus Kohari went to work. Until when I was in the kitchen, I received my salary money in an envelope given by Sri Sukesti. When I opened the envelope, my heart immediately felt sick, because I was only given a cash salary of Rp.10,000. And the cost to transport home free. More hurt again, they did not see me for just utter their gratitude, and also apologized. With disappointment, I left home to be escorted by Sukarno, the son of my employer. Until the terminal, he bought me a bus ticket with the money belongs to him alone, to drive me home. 

One day, I was at home. The next morning, I went to meet Sri Marhaeni from Boyolali City. He took me to Solo. She introduced me to Mr. Samsudin SH, and Mr. Sugiyatno, his secretary. I accepted to work. Towards lunch time, he told me to go home to eat with Mr. Sugiyatno with riding a motorcycle. And Sri Marhaeni back to work in the CPM in Boyolali. Therefore, I was forced to eat with Mr. Sugiyatno. While waiting for the food to arrive, we chatted, and I talk about faith and death. However, Mr. Sugiyatno just said, "Being in a Faith or believe the death, later if we've 40 years of age..." His words indicating that he is not the kind of guy that had a good deeds, then I didn't work where he works.

At my home in Pemalang, I was sad and I contemplate my fate. I'm feeling sorry because from my house, I bring money of Rp. 20,000, and I have been feeling tired of working hard, but I just get a salary back of Rp. 10,000, for work during in 9 days. Therefore, I feel very hurt, and I think while my heart says, "They're healthy. Could a healthy person die?" "Oh yes, they are basically often driving a car every day when they go to the office. They could have died, at the time of the trip because of an accident. I had my own vengeance with them." 

Finally, I returned home. While I was at home I do housework. I submit to God by praying given mate, a man who is best for me. On a Friday night in the month of fasting, as I recall in December, I dreamed I saw a man dressed in white robes and there is a black line that wrapped around his head. And in my inner heart, said that was prophet Muhammad. I wonder, why I could see the prophet Muhammad in my dreams. Though I didn't like praise him (Sholawat) to him. I had in mind and my inner just Allah only. One week later, my dream was scared, because my body lifted itself upwards towards the sky. And in that moment, I began to frequent dream, the dream of seeing the stars, moon, sun, and earth.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 52 - The Arrival of My Pen Pals

On Sunday afternoon dated at August 29th, 1991, we had guests, my pen pal from Bali. He was a handsome man named Ida Komang Antara, a highborn of gentleman with Hindu characteristic. He came with his friend, Budi. Just before evening came, they find a lodging for the rest. So after evening time, my sister and I escort them to get to the Dirgahayu's hotel by rickshaw. Until down in front of our hotel, and after they pay, my young sister and I rode the rickshaw, we went home immediately.

Soon they were bathing in the hotel, then they came back to my house. In the living room he told us about his true self. He admitted that he had had a wife and he has one daughter, aged 7.5 years old. He intends to seek a second bride. When I heard his confession, I was disappointed, but I did not directly refused him, because he did not say anything to me. He told us that he wanted to take us to the streets tomorrow morning.

The next morning, at approximately 09:00 AM, they came to our house. Then I asked him, "So, what we so go for a walk...? Or not...?" When I asked, he turned into a haughty face, but then the four of us so we went to the hotel. In the living room of the Dirgahayu's hotel, we sat and witnessed by several employees of the hotel. When I do not understand why he suddenly asked me the cavalier attitude. His question also really hurt our feels.

He asked, "Is your father there is a breed that has a mental illness?" Spontaneous, I replied while shaking my head with, "No...." Then he asked again, "Is there also from mother?'' I replied again , with shook his head,"No..." But, he does not believe. Then he said, "Why do you write a letter with digress?" Then he raised his hands, to show ten fingers, and said, "Really..!? Writing letters until 10 sheets..? Still better your sister, rather than her old sister. It turns out you do not have charisma!" said Ida Komang Antara. In front of everyone else, he had been embarrass me, until my sister took me home. Ironically, they come with us too. In fact, he is also ride a rickshaw with me. And we headed to the market. We bought some squid and spinach leaves. And just spend the money for Rp.5000. Since I do not carry enough cash, so he was paying it. He was surprised, and said, "Just Rp.5000 is so cheap."

Then four of us went home oby foot. Sidewalks along the road, he and his friend, Budi, just silence. But, my sister, SN Trimurti and I communicate with my code language to discuss abut them. When I got home, I entered my room. I sat on the floor, leaning against the walls. I thought about the events, that just happened. My mind was empty, and my soul was dead until I did not care when he infiltrated into my room, and sat on my left side. Suddenly, her right-hand fingers, pressing my two cheeks to open my mouth. He saw my teeth, and then he told me and asked about the family of my neighbors whose home was not far from my house, which was located on the east front. Her curiosity, about the family makes me think, and asked myself, "What did he mean was Mr Sanusi family?" And maybr they (Mr. Sanusi's family) were incite him, because they hated my family.

He (Ida Komang Antara) do not feel guilty, and apologized to me. Without shame, he teased me. He said that he would give me a job as a bartender holder in the company he owned. And he would give me one house, with price about Rp. 60 million. He also promised to marry me, in the next month of May 1992. He also wants to have a child that he wished for. When he was seduced, I was cold to him. Suddenly he hugged my body, and I lay on the floor. He tried to rape me. When it is, I rebelled. However, he is much stronger force than me, until he managed to enter most of the tip of his penis.

In him Ida Komang Antara, I said that I would marry him in a manner according to the teachings of Hinduism. But I just want on day, then the next morning immediately divorced him. Because what I want is to get the status of my identity, not as a widow and not as a virgin, or if he doesn't want to divorce with me, then he must get the blessing or a permission of his first wife to marry me. When I told about my desire, he just keep quiet.

Quietly, he left the room. Continue to sit in the living room. While I was in my room, feel the pain of my heart. And also, pain in my vagina. When he was outside, I immediately took off my underwear. And I saw my pants with blood staining. A few moments later, he entered my room, and I show my panties to him, so he knew that I was a virgin. But, instead he asked, "What if it wss not a menstrual blood?" Spontaneous I replied, "No... I just finished menstruating 5 days ago.." At that time, he was silent and only a few moments in the room, and he came out again, re sitting in the living room. I do not care, if he believed me or not recognition.

Soon he was out , and then he came into the room. He came up to me, who was standing against the wall near the door of the room. He immediately hugged me, while put his penis. After that he went out of my room. And then, he went into my room again as he pulled out his penis again, for the third time. He laid my body, which was gloomy on the bed. When I did not care for him, even against my own personal safety. I am desperate, I just shut up and surrender to what he would do to me.

At that time, I was being stupid, My feelings was hurt and I made my mind went blank, then there is rape, as I didn't want it happens. When he was enjoying my body, my heart says Istighfar's pray repeatedly, until he was exhausted by itself, without being able to get a pleasure, because he can not discharge his sperm. However, he has managed to grab my virginity. He then sat down, and then lay his own body in my bed beside me, as he closed his eyes, that made my heart couldn't hate him. I took the rosary that is on top of the bed, then I draped the rosary on his neck, that made me laugh to myself, because he looks cute.

The next night, he stayed at our house. I show the Primbon's book to him, about the prophecy of Java. Tomorrow morning, they return to Hotel, to take his equipments. And in the afternoon,  My sister and I accompany them, as they wait for the bus, and they went home to Bali.

Before I had to face to face with him, and before even saw his photo, I 've seen his first face when I was in my dream. In the dream, he entered the house without permission, and my sister experienced two events that funny, which makes me laugh all night. Before  the event of the rape of myself, Saturday night until late Sunday morning, I heard the sound of a voice goats, because in heat. Although we've been saying repeatedly seek Istighfar's pray, but we were unable to shake off the feeling of cute until we scolded by our parents, because we were disturbing the peace of their sleep.

Since he (Ida Komang Reuters) went home, I waited for news from him. But during the first week, I was waiting for the arrival of a letter from him, it did not come. For one week, two weeks, up to one month, and two months have passed until it was in May, and until it arrives at the end of May, he does not also give us the news. So I finally resigned to my fate to God who has my heart and soul.

During my time on hold, I am every day, after 12.00 PM, I always dhikr and reading prayers before I rest and take a nap, about an hour. And every night after I sholat maghrib, I always read the verses of the Al-Quran, among other Surah Al-Fatihah 100 times, Al-Ikhlas 1000 times, and some beautiful words of Allah (Asmaul Husna) and read up to 1000 times. I often run my Sholat sunnah. after did a Obligatory Sholat, such as Sholat Rowatib, Sholat Awabu, Sholat Tasbih, Sholat Fajar, Sholat Tahajud. When I was praying to Allah, I would rather be under the under the bed.

On Sunday, at about 3:00 PM, my sister and I were sitting on the front porch of the house. Suddenly we saw a man with long hair, who no one knows where he came from. Suddenly he already arrived, and standing in front of us with a distance of about 5 meters below the Waru tree. Then, he pulled out his penis and turned it up lasted more than an hour. At that time, we were just smiling, and strangely we can not laugh. But only briefly, because we were able to withstand against a funny taste. Then we went, enter our house, in the house, my mother also saw that events, through the glass window. Our mothers and fathers, saying prayer with Surat Al-Baqoroh paragraph 255 (Ayat Qursy). Not long after that, he was not in place, went out.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 51 - When My Brother, SN Giharto Became Crazy and Running Amok

On Friday evening, dated at August 20th, 1991, approximately 9.00 PM finally my brother, SN Giharto became crazy. He banged his head on the wall, on the front side of the bed. Initially we heard a sound repeatedly dug-dug, we were curious and we try to look into my brother's room. Sure enough, the sound is a sound clash of my brothet’s head.

In a panic, my father trying to help him with his embrace. But father was not so strong to stop SN Giharto banging his head against the wall again. Because mother asked for help in a Kyai (Muslim doctor) named Father Abdul Ghani. SN Giharto could be realized after Father Abdul Ghani recited the holy verses of the Al-Qur'an, and he was given a cup of water. Holding the cup, Father Abdul Ghani sat with a cross-legged on the bed, and he moves his body to the right and to the left while saying, "La Illaha Illallah." However, He did not mention the name of Muhammad.

Father Abdul Ghani said that my brother had been possessed by a black Jin, a demon. When asked, he said that he had taken flight by a big tall  and black creature. Fly from one planet to another planet. That night in the house many bats fly over around my brother's room. My sister and I sit in front of the porch, while I cried. That night was very very creepy.

Outside of my house, I saw one tile that was in front of me. Then I took the tile and I hid it under a chair in the living room. Because I'm afraid he's going berserk with the use of the tile. But it did happen. He saw the tile and pick it up, then the tile being crashed to the window's glass in the living room until the glass is cavitied.

My sister SN Trimurti and I  fear when we saw he brought a tray. As he walked slowly without realizing it. We were afraid he would hit us with the tray. Therefore I am in a hurry to avoid him, went, while I kept an eye on him. And we walked around the house itself, and to the house of our neighbor.

We stand behind the old house, and we feel tired, we ended up trying to dare enter the house and I went into the bedroom. Then I slept on my back on the bed while I close my eyes, I say some words in my heart, repeatedly, read an Al-Quran's verse, Surat Al-Ikhlas.

Then unknowingly, he ( SN Giharto ) put his ear on my chest, because he wanted to listen to my inner voice. At first I was scared, bright times he could do bad things to me. But it did not, then a second, I let her head stuck in my chest.

The next day, on Sunday, August 22, 1991, my brother and I took my sister, SN Giharto went to my sister house, SN Hastuti in Slawi City. We want to comfort him, so he does not getting stress. We take public transport. Get there, we rest for a while and then we both go home, while he stays at SN Hastuti's home. But at night, he came home with a car ride escorted by my sister in law, Suswaluyo and two of his friends. According to the story Suswaluyo, that in his house where he tried to escape after removing his pants until SN Giharto was naked. In the car, along the way, he also tried to grab the steering wheel of the car and tried to run away.

Suswaluyo was surprised and amazed to me, why SN Giharto was bow his head to me? He did not rebel and escape. He obeyed to me because I was the one who has a pure heart and love to do good deeds. Meanwhile, Suswaluyo is very stingy person, like to drink liquor.

For over a week I could not sleep in a day and night. It makes me tormented by a sense of fatigue for not resting and tormented by the fear. But my fear is reduced after my brother SN Giharto want to pray with my father. But, a few weeks later, he started to pray infrequently until finally no longer want to pray.

He began to laugh often alone, often beat-beat his chest with his right hand, while holding. We felt so sorry for him. When we asked him, "Why do you often pounded your chest so hard ...?" Then he repeatedly answered, "Buddha ... Buddha ... Buddha ..." He was unable to stop her voice that continues dhikr.

Satan likes to tease men, so that people do something about the bad things or evil. But the devil likes people who have a patient nature and likes to do good deeds. As in the hadith Qudsi, on oath devil, "For the sake of your greatness, oh Allah... I'm going to tempt people from the right side and left side. From the front and from the rear, with the exception of those who Muchlis (Muchlis is the good persons that did a good deeds with patiently."

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The Story of My Struggle Part 50 - A Patience in Dealing with the Trials of My Life

Problem always came after one problem to another. In facing those problems, just I and my dad that were patient. We are diligent in doing five time's Sholat and also sunnah Sholat. My Mother sometimes do not pray when she was tired. My sister , Sri Nur Trimurti was very rare to doing a Sholat. She is very lazy, and she does not want to work for herself even washing her own clothes, especially underwear. In fact, I sometimes wash her ​​underwear that exposed with menstrual blood. If all the dirty clothes, and she wears my clean clothes. However, she did not want to wash it, and I also ironed her clothes. She also has the nature of envy in me. She could turn out well if she was in love with my male friends.

To save our family economy we had to saved some money, and then my father cut down the acacia tree branch, approximately every three months. The wood cut down and we should exfoliate this branch skin, and we had to dried it for firewood. We both are working on our own when we put the tiles to the floor. Brother SN Heryanto wants to help us in placed the floor tile if only he ordered by somone. I worked like a man, helped stir the mixture of cement and sand. Lifting and installing the tile until all fifteen pieces of freight. And I had come to set it up.

Although my father were diligent in prayed to God, but father could sometimes provoked to an emotions, when both my brother were arguing. Sometimes father got crankyin the room all day without eating and drinking. He wants to go out when they want ablutions. Dad often immersed in the shadow of past events that he remembered. Dad angry at my brother two because disappointing the expectations of both his parents. Both can not uphold the family's degrees. Both are not reliable, and equally libelous family. Both are  the sources of our suffering.

Often father drowned in a revenge of suffering heartache over a family conflict events in the past. If father's fight with mom, dad always offend to my grandmother's attitude or my mother-in-law of my father. My father said, that the grandmother more in love with my father's three stepdaughters, which is the result of a marriage of my mother with her earlier husband, named Abdul Jamil. Mothers also pay more attention to Mr. Sudadi's health, her son, husband of Mrs Siti Maemunah, his eldest daughter, rather than with my father. Mothers often make a drink made of herbs or herbal medicine.

Mom always left my father, went home to her parents, after a fight with my father. Days until my mother was not home, so if the father wants to eat, father had to go to a shop to buy food. Sometimes dad cook himself. Every fight, mothers always give for divorce. But the father does not want to divorce the mother. Because father loves the mother.

Often father cried, when told about his childhood to me. Because when he was a teenager, has been left by his father (my grandfather) by a dead. So my father had to help her mother's earn a living by searching for firewood in the forest for sale. Especially if my father remember his father's death, Arbain Kartomiharjo, who died of poisoning by his friend of his colleagues, for days vomiting blood, and eventually died.

On the other hand, my mother suffering from mental disorder. Almost every day of my mother accuse my father that he even used a whitecraft, because in my mother's chest feel pain like stabbed by some needles. Mom always had a suspicious and always prejudice. If father makes the drink like sweet tea for the family, only mothers who did not drink it. My  mother accused to my father that he wants her to die soon enough, so that my father could marry again with another younger woman, which can serve my father spiritual needs.

As a child, I was wondering how to solve this problem. Mainly my problem were the rebellious of my brother. One time I came up the idea to send letters to a brother who manages the foundation Sugiyapranata in Semarang's City. With the aim for help so that my brother could be guided into good Catholics corresponding belief. But it turns out I sent another letter to the local city government office Pemalang when it comes to an officer named Mr. Joseph . And he can not do anything.

That only I can do is patience and submission to God. But I remain vigilant to maintain the safety of the family of threats sister. Day and night I always dhikr read short passages of the Al-Quran and the Asmaul Husnah (The Beautiful Names of Allah SWT), despite what I say is, I do not understand most of its meaning. I sleep before the early morning. Sleep on a mat under the floor under the bed. During the day, I sleep in the same mine. And I find inner tranquility.

Our house is very bad in circumstances. If it rains then our roof will leak. That sometimes we had to stand in the corner of the room so we did not get wet. If the dry season, a lot of dust and dirt from many pollen  of wood-eating insects, fallen because our house without a roof ceiling. What's more, a lot of mosquitoes that kept coming. Because there is next to our house were stood a goat pen.

Many various forms of suffering that I experienced as a result of poverty. Among other things, when our family in a state of not having money, for breakfast I eat what it is, and sometimes not at all to have to withstand stomach feels queasy. But we were grateful that we were able to buy rice for our food supply for 1 month. To buy side dishes, we were forced to owe with someone.

My sister and I had to lie to my mother, simply because we both like to eat a bowl of meatballs that when the price is only Rp.300. I told mom offering banana leaves for sale at a neighbor with a reason for the cost of care of the paperwork to apply for the job requirements. We lie because we were addicted to eating meatballs .

My desire to add a new collection of clothes, so when I was at the home of my sister Sri Nur Hastuti, I am not ashamed to picking up a piece of old cloth pieces of her wasted dress in the back near the kitchen. The fabric has been exposed to chicken manure, then I wash it, and I asked for a cloth pair. The fabric I take home and sew my own clothes for the above .

To afford a Mukena it's very hard, moreover to buy a new clothes. When the Sholat ID, a lot of women around me were looking at me with a strange loo. Maybe because when I wear mukenah were already worn out, pure white-brown with black spots on the head. Among women pilgrims who pray, Just I the person who wears the worst Mukena.

Difficult it is to eliminate the habit of my fother, smoking two packs a day, then to minimalize the money spending, every father smoked a cigarette always gather the ciggarette butt. All the ciggarette butts were gathered  and the tobacco was taken and mixed again with the new tobacco and clove. Then made a new cigarettes again with Papir(cigarette wrapping paper). The cigarettes, after smoked, it's butt also collected again, always so and so on .

Suffering of our family had been completed, because we also tyrannized by people around us. Basically because they are jealous of my relationships that were very extensive, and I like to keep changing boyfriends, up to 22 times. Many middle class who are interested in me, but I also hated by men and women from the lower society class. Especially women who almost every day happy wag, spread disgrace, slander and pitting. In association in community organizations of youth organization, many women who hate me.

Not only adults , but also young children often damage flowers and the house walls scribbled with obscenities . They sometimes peep us if I was in the shower , sometimes also some adult men . Sometimes when I 'm walking in front of a group of women who were sitting on the porch of their home or standing . They like to say that insinuating words that made ​​me hurt.

They like to observe my personal life. They do not like to see me often had a multiple man, I mean boyfriend. Indeed, I easily get bored with my boyfriend. In a love relationship, only lasted between 3 to 6 months. I'm bored as ever kissing and almost every weekend we had get met. Although I am free to make friends with a guy, but I always keep my virginity. For the virginity of a girl is the epitome of self-esteem.

They often insult us, and often behind us. We can know who it is that has been defame us, because there is someone who often report to us. They accused me of being a prostitute woman. Among them are those who are often told that we are the descendants of mad people. There are also those who say that we were infidels, and our family also never read the Al-Quran. There also were said with malice, "Their family are crazy people, family people who often run amok." Some say that our family is indebted and poor people.

There are among those who want us to be harmed. In the front yard, someone given a rusty nails mine that have been given the evil spell of the shaman. Sometimes also on the home page, there is also someone that put human waste (feces). Each of our family keep a pets, some of them didn't like that we had a pet cats do and a few pigeons also died because they were given poison.

Examination of my life that came and went was forged me into a stronger person. Also, I became a person who always thinks of everything I did not know. I think, why most people find it to be a good Muslim, if they only can read the Al Qur'an? Despite themselves doesn't know what it means, but they feel proud and self-righteous that they acquising the others believe.

Those who insult us most of them bears an Arabic name. Bears the name of the Prophet and the Asmaul Husna (Beautiful Names of Allah SWT). However, they are not in harmony with the morality of his name. That means they had tarnished the truth of God's attributes. I hate them. To arrive at some point I have an obsession, if later I have a husband and a child later, when I was pregnant, I will be fasting, reducing the time to sleep at night and pray. It was all so that my children become good people, can be a useful man for anothers persons. Also I give my children names with Sanskrit Language.

The beginning of my interest in Hinduism, as I often hear stories of colossal farce with Hindu kingdom background, the Majapahit Empire. Plus I got a flyer from Mrs. gedong Oka from Bali. He was a caregiver of Paramitha Dasa hostel. To her, I sent letters to provide solutions to the problems that our families face. When it began to be moved I will bring peace kindness over the teachings of  Father Mahatma Gandhi.

Besides, I really like to watch Indian movies. I am very fond of Indian film, because the film is very romantic, polite and without porn scene. Unlike a western movie with absolutely no moral educate people, because they are very loud and movies featuring scenes of violence and sexual scenes are hot. Their morale is very low in their degrees. I have a lot to learn kindness from Indian films.

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