The Story of My Struggle Part 52 - The Arrival of My Pen Pals

On Sunday afternoon dated at August 29th, 1991, we had guests, my pen pal from Bali. He was a handsome man named Ida Komang Antara, a highborn of gentleman with Hindu characteristic. He came with his friend, Budi. Just before evening came, they find a lodging for the rest. So after evening time, my sister and I escort them to get to the Dirgahayu's hotel by rickshaw. Until down in front of our hotel, and after they pay, my young sister and I rode the rickshaw, we went home immediately.

Soon they were bathing in the hotel, then they came back to my house. In the living room he told us about his true self. He admitted that he had had a wife and he has one daughter, aged 7.5 years old. He intends to seek a second bride. When I heard his confession, I was disappointed, but I did not directly refused him, because he did not say anything to me. He told us that he wanted to take us to the streets tomorrow morning.

The next morning, at approximately 09:00 AM, they came to our house. Then I asked him, "So, what we so go for a walk...? Or not...?" When I asked, he turned into a haughty face, but then the four of us so we went to the hotel. In the living room of the Dirgahayu's hotel, we sat and witnessed by several employees of the hotel. When I do not understand why he suddenly asked me the cavalier attitude. His question also really hurt our feels.

He asked, "Is your father there is a breed that has a mental illness?" Spontaneous, I replied while shaking my head with, "No...." Then he asked again, "Is there also from mother?'' I replied again , with shook his head,"No..." But, he does not believe. Then he said, "Why do you write a letter with digress?" Then he raised his hands, to show ten fingers, and said, "Really..!? Writing letters until 10 sheets..? Still better your sister, rather than her old sister. It turns out you do not have charisma!" said Ida Komang Antara. In front of everyone else, he had been embarrass me, until my sister took me home. Ironically, they come with us too. In fact, he is also ride a rickshaw with me. And we headed to the market. We bought some squid and spinach leaves. And just spend the money for Rp.5000. Since I do not carry enough cash, so he was paying it. He was surprised, and said, "Just Rp.5000 is so cheap."

Then four of us went home oby foot. Sidewalks along the road, he and his friend, Budi, just silence. But, my sister, SN Trimurti and I communicate with my code language to discuss abut them. When I got home, I entered my room. I sat on the floor, leaning against the walls. I thought about the events, that just happened. My mind was empty, and my soul was dead until I did not care when he infiltrated into my room, and sat on my left side. Suddenly, her right-hand fingers, pressing my two cheeks to open my mouth. He saw my teeth, and then he told me and asked about the family of my neighbors whose home was not far from my house, which was located on the east front. Her curiosity, about the family makes me think, and asked myself, "What did he mean was Mr Sanusi family?" And maybr they (Mr. Sanusi's family) were incite him, because they hated my family.

He (Ida Komang Antara) do not feel guilty, and apologized to me. Without shame, he teased me. He said that he would give me a job as a bartender holder in the company he owned. And he would give me one house, with price about Rp. 60 million. He also promised to marry me, in the next month of May 1992. He also wants to have a child that he wished for. When he was seduced, I was cold to him. Suddenly he hugged my body, and I lay on the floor. He tried to rape me. When it is, I rebelled. However, he is much stronger force than me, until he managed to enter most of the tip of his penis.

In him Ida Komang Antara, I said that I would marry him in a manner according to the teachings of Hinduism. But I just want on day, then the next morning immediately divorced him. Because what I want is to get the status of my identity, not as a widow and not as a virgin, or if he doesn't want to divorce with me, then he must get the blessing or a permission of his first wife to marry me. When I told about my desire, he just keep quiet.

Quietly, he left the room. Continue to sit in the living room. While I was in my room, feel the pain of my heart. And also, pain in my vagina. When he was outside, I immediately took off my underwear. And I saw my pants with blood staining. A few moments later, he entered my room, and I show my panties to him, so he knew that I was a virgin. But, instead he asked, "What if it wss not a menstrual blood?" Spontaneous I replied, "No... I just finished menstruating 5 days ago.." At that time, he was silent and only a few moments in the room, and he came out again, re sitting in the living room. I do not care, if he believed me or not recognition.

Soon he was out , and then he came into the room. He came up to me, who was standing against the wall near the door of the room. He immediately hugged me, while put his penis. After that he went out of my room. And then, he went into my room again as he pulled out his penis again, for the third time. He laid my body, which was gloomy on the bed. When I did not care for him, even against my own personal safety. I am desperate, I just shut up and surrender to what he would do to me.

At that time, I was being stupid, My feelings was hurt and I made my mind went blank, then there is rape, as I didn't want it happens. When he was enjoying my body, my heart says Istighfar's pray repeatedly, until he was exhausted by itself, without being able to get a pleasure, because he can not discharge his sperm. However, he has managed to grab my virginity. He then sat down, and then lay his own body in my bed beside me, as he closed his eyes, that made my heart couldn't hate him. I took the rosary that is on top of the bed, then I draped the rosary on his neck, that made me laugh to myself, because he looks cute.

The next night, he stayed at our house. I show the Primbon's book to him, about the prophecy of Java. Tomorrow morning, they return to Hotel, to take his equipments. And in the afternoon,  My sister and I accompany them, as they wait for the bus, and they went home to Bali.

Before I had to face to face with him, and before even saw his photo, I 've seen his first face when I was in my dream. In the dream, he entered the house without permission, and my sister experienced two events that funny, which makes me laugh all night. Before  the event of the rape of myself, Saturday night until late Sunday morning, I heard the sound of a voice goats, because in heat. Although we've been saying repeatedly seek Istighfar's pray, but we were unable to shake off the feeling of cute until we scolded by our parents, because we were disturbing the peace of their sleep.

Since he (Ida Komang Reuters) went home, I waited for news from him. But during the first week, I was waiting for the arrival of a letter from him, it did not come. For one week, two weeks, up to one month, and two months have passed until it was in May, and until it arrives at the end of May, he does not also give us the news. So I finally resigned to my fate to God who has my heart and soul.

During my time on hold, I am every day, after 12.00 PM, I always dhikr and reading prayers before I rest and take a nap, about an hour. And every night after I sholat maghrib, I always read the verses of the Al-Quran, among other Surah Al-Fatihah 100 times, Al-Ikhlas 1000 times, and some beautiful words of Allah (Asmaul Husna) and read up to 1000 times. I often run my Sholat sunnah. after did a Obligatory Sholat, such as Sholat Rowatib, Sholat Awabu, Sholat Tasbih, Sholat Fajar, Sholat Tahajud. When I was praying to Allah, I would rather be under the under the bed.

On Sunday, at about 3:00 PM, my sister and I were sitting on the front porch of the house. Suddenly we saw a man with long hair, who no one knows where he came from. Suddenly he already arrived, and standing in front of us with a distance of about 5 meters below the Waru tree. Then, he pulled out his penis and turned it up lasted more than an hour. At that time, we were just smiling, and strangely we can not laugh. But only briefly, because we were able to withstand against a funny taste. Then we went, enter our house, in the house, my mother also saw that events, through the glass window. Our mothers and fathers, saying prayer with Surat Al-Baqoroh paragraph 255 (Ayat Qursy). Not long after that, he was not in place, went out.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 51 - When My Brother, SN Giharto Became Crazy and Running Amok

On Friday evening, dated at August 20th, 1991, approximately 9.00 PM finally my brother, SN Giharto became crazy. He banged his head on the wall, on the front side of the bed. Initially we heard a sound repeatedly dug-dug, we were curious and we try to look into my brother's room. Sure enough, the sound is a sound clash of my brothet’s head.

In a panic, my father trying to help him with his embrace. But father was not so strong to stop SN Giharto banging his head against the wall again. Because mother asked for help in a Kyai (Muslim doctor) named Father Abdul Ghani. SN Giharto could be realized after Father Abdul Ghani recited the holy verses of the Al-Qur'an, and he was given a cup of water. Holding the cup, Father Abdul Ghani sat with a cross-legged on the bed, and he moves his body to the right and to the left while saying, "La Illaha Illallah." However, He did not mention the name of Muhammad.

Father Abdul Ghani said that my brother had been possessed by a black Jin, a demon. When asked, he said that he had taken flight by a big tall  and black creature. Fly from one planet to another planet. That night in the house many bats fly over around my brother's room. My sister and I sit in front of the porch, while I cried. That night was very very creepy.

Outside of my house, I saw one tile that was in front of me. Then I took the tile and I hid it under a chair in the living room. Because I'm afraid he's going berserk with the use of the tile. But it did happen. He saw the tile and pick it up, then the tile being crashed to the window's glass in the living room until the glass is cavitied.

My sister SN Trimurti and I  fear when we saw he brought a tray. As he walked slowly without realizing it. We were afraid he would hit us with the tray. Therefore I am in a hurry to avoid him, went, while I kept an eye on him. And we walked around the house itself, and to the house of our neighbor.

We stand behind the old house, and we feel tired, we ended up trying to dare enter the house and I went into the bedroom. Then I slept on my back on the bed while I close my eyes, I say some words in my heart, repeatedly, read an Al-Quran's verse, Surat Al-Ikhlas.

Then unknowingly, he ( SN Giharto ) put his ear on my chest, because he wanted to listen to my inner voice. At first I was scared, bright times he could do bad things to me. But it did not, then a second, I let her head stuck in my chest.

The next day, on Sunday, August 22, 1991, my brother and I took my sister, SN Giharto went to my sister house, SN Hastuti in Slawi City. We want to comfort him, so he does not getting stress. We take public transport. Get there, we rest for a while and then we both go home, while he stays at SN Hastuti's home. But at night, he came home with a car ride escorted by my sister in law, Suswaluyo and two of his friends. According to the story Suswaluyo, that in his house where he tried to escape after removing his pants until SN Giharto was naked. In the car, along the way, he also tried to grab the steering wheel of the car and tried to run away.

Suswaluyo was surprised and amazed to me, why SN Giharto was bow his head to me? He did not rebel and escape. He obeyed to me because I was the one who has a pure heart and love to do good deeds. Meanwhile, Suswaluyo is very stingy person, like to drink liquor.

For over a week I could not sleep in a day and night. It makes me tormented by a sense of fatigue for not resting and tormented by the fear. But my fear is reduced after my brother SN Giharto want to pray with my father. But, a few weeks later, he started to pray infrequently until finally no longer want to pray.

He began to laugh often alone, often beat-beat his chest with his right hand, while holding. We felt so sorry for him. When we asked him, "Why do you often pounded your chest so hard ...?" Then he repeatedly answered, "Buddha ... Buddha ... Buddha ..." He was unable to stop her voice that continues dhikr.

Satan likes to tease men, so that people do something about the bad things or evil. But the devil likes people who have a patient nature and likes to do good deeds. As in the hadith Qudsi, on oath devil, "For the sake of your greatness, oh Allah... I'm going to tempt people from the right side and left side. From the front and from the rear, with the exception of those who Muchlis (Muchlis is the good persons that did a good deeds with patiently."

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The Story of My Struggle Part 50 - A Patience in Dealing with the Trials of My Life

Problem always came after one problem to another. In facing those problems, just I and my dad that were patient. We are diligent in doing five time's Sholat and also sunnah Sholat. My Mother sometimes do not pray when she was tired. My sister , Sri Nur Trimurti was very rare to doing a Sholat. She is very lazy, and she does not want to work for herself even washing her own clothes, especially underwear. In fact, I sometimes wash her ​​underwear that exposed with menstrual blood. If all the dirty clothes, and she wears my clean clothes. However, she did not want to wash it, and I also ironed her clothes. She also has the nature of envy in me. She could turn out well if she was in love with my male friends.

To save our family economy we had to saved some money, and then my father cut down the acacia tree branch, approximately every three months. The wood cut down and we should exfoliate this branch skin, and we had to dried it for firewood. We both are working on our own when we put the tiles to the floor. Brother SN Heryanto wants to help us in placed the floor tile if only he ordered by somone. I worked like a man, helped stir the mixture of cement and sand. Lifting and installing the tile until all fifteen pieces of freight. And I had come to set it up.

Although my father were diligent in prayed to God, but father could sometimes provoked to an emotions, when both my brother were arguing. Sometimes father got crankyin the room all day without eating and drinking. He wants to go out when they want ablutions. Dad often immersed in the shadow of past events that he remembered. Dad angry at my brother two because disappointing the expectations of both his parents. Both can not uphold the family's degrees. Both are not reliable, and equally libelous family. Both are  the sources of our suffering.

Often father drowned in a revenge of suffering heartache over a family conflict events in the past. If father's fight with mom, dad always offend to my grandmother's attitude or my mother-in-law of my father. My father said, that the grandmother more in love with my father's three stepdaughters, which is the result of a marriage of my mother with her earlier husband, named Abdul Jamil. Mothers also pay more attention to Mr. Sudadi's health, her son, husband of Mrs Siti Maemunah, his eldest daughter, rather than with my father. Mothers often make a drink made of herbs or herbal medicine.

Mom always left my father, went home to her parents, after a fight with my father. Days until my mother was not home, so if the father wants to eat, father had to go to a shop to buy food. Sometimes dad cook himself. Every fight, mothers always give for divorce. But the father does not want to divorce the mother. Because father loves the mother.

Often father cried, when told about his childhood to me. Because when he was a teenager, has been left by his father (my grandfather) by a dead. So my father had to help her mother's earn a living by searching for firewood in the forest for sale. Especially if my father remember his father's death, Arbain Kartomiharjo, who died of poisoning by his friend of his colleagues, for days vomiting blood, and eventually died.

On the other hand, my mother suffering from mental disorder. Almost every day of my mother accuse my father that he even used a whitecraft, because in my mother's chest feel pain like stabbed by some needles. Mom always had a suspicious and always prejudice. If father makes the drink like sweet tea for the family, only mothers who did not drink it. My  mother accused to my father that he wants her to die soon enough, so that my father could marry again with another younger woman, which can serve my father spiritual needs.

As a child, I was wondering how to solve this problem. Mainly my problem were the rebellious of my brother. One time I came up the idea to send letters to a brother who manages the foundation Sugiyapranata in Semarang's City. With the aim for help so that my brother could be guided into good Catholics corresponding belief. But it turns out I sent another letter to the local city government office Pemalang when it comes to an officer named Mr. Joseph . And he can not do anything.

That only I can do is patience and submission to God. But I remain vigilant to maintain the safety of the family of threats sister. Day and night I always dhikr read short passages of the Al-Quran and the Asmaul Husnah (The Beautiful Names of Allah SWT), despite what I say is, I do not understand most of its meaning. I sleep before the early morning. Sleep on a mat under the floor under the bed. During the day, I sleep in the same mine. And I find inner tranquility.

Our house is very bad in circumstances. If it rains then our roof will leak. That sometimes we had to stand in the corner of the room so we did not get wet. If the dry season, a lot of dust and dirt from many pollen  of wood-eating insects, fallen because our house without a roof ceiling. What's more, a lot of mosquitoes that kept coming. Because there is next to our house were stood a goat pen.

Many various forms of suffering that I experienced as a result of poverty. Among other things, when our family in a state of not having money, for breakfast I eat what it is, and sometimes not at all to have to withstand stomach feels queasy. But we were grateful that we were able to buy rice for our food supply for 1 month. To buy side dishes, we were forced to owe with someone.

My sister and I had to lie to my mother, simply because we both like to eat a bowl of meatballs that when the price is only Rp.300. I told mom offering banana leaves for sale at a neighbor with a reason for the cost of care of the paperwork to apply for the job requirements. We lie because we were addicted to eating meatballs .

My desire to add a new collection of clothes, so when I was at the home of my sister Sri Nur Hastuti, I am not ashamed to picking up a piece of old cloth pieces of her wasted dress in the back near the kitchen. The fabric has been exposed to chicken manure, then I wash it, and I asked for a cloth pair. The fabric I take home and sew my own clothes for the above .

To afford a Mukena it's very hard, moreover to buy a new clothes. When the Sholat ID, a lot of women around me were looking at me with a strange loo. Maybe because when I wear mukenah were already worn out, pure white-brown with black spots on the head. Among women pilgrims who pray, Just I the person who wears the worst Mukena.

Difficult it is to eliminate the habit of my fother, smoking two packs a day, then to minimalize the money spending, every father smoked a cigarette always gather the ciggarette butt. All the ciggarette butts were gathered  and the tobacco was taken and mixed again with the new tobacco and clove. Then made a new cigarettes again with Papir(cigarette wrapping paper). The cigarettes, after smoked, it's butt also collected again, always so and so on .

Suffering of our family had been completed, because we also tyrannized by people around us. Basically because they are jealous of my relationships that were very extensive, and I like to keep changing boyfriends, up to 22 times. Many middle class who are interested in me, but I also hated by men and women from the lower society class. Especially women who almost every day happy wag, spread disgrace, slander and pitting. In association in community organizations of youth organization, many women who hate me.

Not only adults , but also young children often damage flowers and the house walls scribbled with obscenities . They sometimes peep us if I was in the shower , sometimes also some adult men . Sometimes when I 'm walking in front of a group of women who were sitting on the porch of their home or standing . They like to say that insinuating words that made ​​me hurt.

They like to observe my personal life. They do not like to see me often had a multiple man, I mean boyfriend. Indeed, I easily get bored with my boyfriend. In a love relationship, only lasted between 3 to 6 months. I'm bored as ever kissing and almost every weekend we had get met. Although I am free to make friends with a guy, but I always keep my virginity. For the virginity of a girl is the epitome of self-esteem.

They often insult us, and often behind us. We can know who it is that has been defame us, because there is someone who often report to us. They accused me of being a prostitute woman. Among them are those who are often told that we are the descendants of mad people. There are also those who say that we were infidels, and our family also never read the Al-Quran. There also were said with malice, "Their family are crazy people, family people who often run amok." Some say that our family is indebted and poor people.

There are among those who want us to be harmed. In the front yard, someone given a rusty nails mine that have been given the evil spell of the shaman. Sometimes also on the home page, there is also someone that put human waste (feces). Each of our family keep a pets, some of them didn't like that we had a pet cats do and a few pigeons also died because they were given poison.

Examination of my life that came and went was forged me into a stronger person. Also, I became a person who always thinks of everything I did not know. I think, why most people find it to be a good Muslim, if they only can read the Al Qur'an? Despite themselves doesn't know what it means, but they feel proud and self-righteous that they acquising the others believe.

Those who insult us most of them bears an Arabic name. Bears the name of the Prophet and the Asmaul Husna (Beautiful Names of Allah SWT). However, they are not in harmony with the morality of his name. That means they had tarnished the truth of God's attributes. I hate them. To arrive at some point I have an obsession, if later I have a husband and a child later, when I was pregnant, I will be fasting, reducing the time to sleep at night and pray. It was all so that my children become good people, can be a useful man for anothers persons. Also I give my children names with Sanskrit Language.

The beginning of my interest in Hinduism, as I often hear stories of colossal farce with Hindu kingdom background, the Majapahit Empire. Plus I got a flyer from Mrs. gedong Oka from Bali. He was a caregiver of Paramitha Dasa hostel. To her, I sent letters to provide solutions to the problems that our families face. When it began to be moved I will bring peace kindness over the teachings of  Father Mahatma Gandhi.

Besides, I really like to watch Indian movies. I am very fond of Indian film, because the film is very romantic, polite and without porn scene. Unlike a western movie with absolutely no moral educate people, because they are very loud and movies featuring scenes of violence and sexual scenes are hot. Their morale is very low in their degrees. I have a lot to learn kindness from Indian films.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 49 - Continuation of our family disputes

According to my father, that during their education and training  father was always closer to God. Mother deny what my father accused to her, and mother even dare to take the oath. Dad also think what mother have been raped by a Jin, who resembles the father? According to the story, that on the night before  father's departure to Salatiga City, mother 's father had sexual intercourse, and for the father left the mother, mother is always faithful.

At that time, our family lived in poverty and debt bondage. Cars are no longer executed. Because besides being a source of contention, as well as father is no longer believed to SN Heryanto. Finally the car is left idle, was beside the house, and offered for sale. There are some people who bid, but the car was not also removed, until the price goes down.

For more than a year, the car is not productive. So when it came time to pay taxes, mother and father became confused until forced to sell any existing property. Once the money is collected, the money handed over to my brother, SN Heryanto, which was entrusted to pay the taxes. However, instead he told his friends, who called So'ep, to pay the taxes. For months we were waiting to hear from him. Several times my brother came to his house, but had never met him.

We're tired of waiting for news of him, and my mother came up to his house, but again So'ep not in his home. Only his wife met us. We spoke with her ​​only briefly. We look at the top of the table there is a tape. At that time, my mother spontaneously took it with force, as collateral if the money is not refunded. Until now So'ep not refund our money.

In mid- 1987, my brother SN Heryanto got a job in PT . Kiani Lestari, in Samarinda. He was able to recruit blue-collar workers to be invited to go to work there. For approximately two years, he worked, and he was engaged to a girl from the village Ampelgading, Pemalang City. He named Mukhiroh. To finance the engagement, our father borrowed some money in the bank.

Although my brother, SN Heryanto not at home, but SN Giharto still hate him. Even trying to separate him from her. By way incited by an anonymous letter. He even threatened to kill all the family members who lived in one house, then he would hang himself if SN Heryanto not immediately send the money to him. So for the safety of the family, SN Heryanto give him money.

In the end, the car sold at very low prices, which is Rp. 600,000. Because the cost of the car tax, have not been paid by father. The car was purchased by Mr. Sie-Yot, people of Chinese descent. Then, the proceeds from the sale of the car is given SN Giharto. However, he did not want to go to Jakarta to apply for jobs. He would rather hang out with his friends that he has known, called Tek-Lie, people of Chinese origin.

Since SN Giharto friends with Tek-Lie, then the money which he holds becomes less and less and eventually run out, to buy food and cigarettes with Tek-Lie, and also to buy lottery tickets gambling. Since then, he often said to me, "Buddha that he is religious . " Buddha, Buddhism which he loved.

After he does not hold any more money, then he would rather be in the room. He repeatedly asked father, so the father to borrow money in the bank again. And he's always threatening on father, asked father for money or when something else. But father was not afraid anymore with her ​​threat, even a father handed his head, to be cut down by SN Giharto. When SN Giharto just stood, silent without speaking a word.

For over 8 years, I lived in terror of SN Giharto. I always worry if his threat actually going to a reality. He always says a word threatened to kill all the family members who lived in one house. Then he would commit suicide, by hanging himself, in the outside of the home, on a mango tree.

Almost every night, I am always wary of him, especially at night. I always lack of sleep, for about 8 years, just for the sake of maintaining the safety of the elderly, and SN Tri Murti, my sister and myself.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 48 - Two of My Brother that Can't be Trusted

Illustration picture. Van gogh.

To be able to work in the company, a cost should be fulfilled to take care of all the requirements, and he must enroll through an intermediary named Mr. Amin, who lives in Jakarta. Therefore he asked father in order to borrow money in the bank office. And before he got a job, he wanted to work as a driver of a car belonging to the father. He caused that brother Setyo Nur Heryanto looking for another job.

My father forbid SN Giharto to work as a driver's car. Because he does not have a driving license. And also, father had a desire to enroll him in office in the City Perhutani (Forestry Department) office in the city of Pemalang. But he refused. He want to driver his father car. He felt jealous of his own brother, so he always says threatening word like want to kill his brother. Every time he was arguing with his brother, he said that he demanded justice affection from father.

Each SN Heryanto want to run the car, always preceded by a quarrel with SN Giharto, his brother. Setyo Nur Giharto like rehash the SN Heryanto's past. He never takes away a motorcycle that my father bought new. For weeks did not went home. Then he asked the help of the Father Jopret in Pekalongan. He said that the bike was in the Solo and would be sold by his friend. Thanks to the help of God and thanks to his help, the bike finally back.

To gratify the desires of SN Giharto, the father borrowed money in the bank with high interest rates. The money was handed all to SN Giharto. However, the money is not used properly. However, he likes to buy lottery tickets forecasts/lottery. After being discharged, he asked for the money again with threatening to kill his brother, SN Heryanto, and then my father did. For the second time, the money to fund passport and any other requirements. After passport and others have done, he just waiting for the call. However, some of the money that should be used to pay for transport to Jakarta City, finally run out to buy a lottery coupon (Social Fund Contribution Prize).

Eventually discharged to buy coupons gambling and eating in a stall. He loves to visit his uncle home, he uncle who was a Catholic. He liked the teachings of the Catholic past. He said that the Catholic people, not lazy and would like cleanliness. Most of them are rich people. He hated Islam. He said that the Muslims are very lazy, and dirty, and poor.

Problems grow again as long as several weeks, SN Heryanto work. Turns out he was not honest with my father. Many times he said that today stildd more deserted passengers. So do not get any money. But each was about to leave, he asked for the money to my father to buy gasoline. Eventually, we become aware of his lies from a neighbour. Turns out that he did not work, but go with a girl named Riasyih, a girl child of our neighbor. The money to buy something for her. In addition, SN Heryanto lazy to wash the car, so the car is always washed after use, by me.

SN Heryanto's big lie make his brother SN Giharto, more hate him. Almost every day they fight. I am concerned about the safety of SN Heryanto because SN Giharto always says, "I will kill you". Although his brother often threatened, but SN Heryanto remain calm in the face. He simply said, "I just want to cut your hand." He said without emotion, and he would rather give in and go in the room, or go outside the house. Mom and dad also always give advice to them with patience.

The nature of my siblings are equally reticent, but have differences. SN Heryanto have basic properties patient, loving, polite and courteous and the like caving, also love to hang out, but lazy. The ugliness in the past is like lying, if he want to get money from mom and dad.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 47 - My Father Issues After His Retirement

In December 1984, my father retired and receiving money from Taspen, a retiree committee organization. As the money to buy a used car, which is in part to the cost of home improvement. Dad bought the car because of the SN Heryanto persuasion, with a view to the general freight business, in order to get extra income. In addition, he can work as a driver. He had not completed high school education, until he almost reaches the age of 30 years, he has not got a job. He seduced his father and said, " Dad, do not pity me into a pedicab driver? What father is not ashamed Perhutani father retired, but his son became a pedicab driver?" Perhutani is an Organization of Forestry Management, of Indonesia.

Until repeatedly my brother, SN Heryanto asked my father in order to obey his wishes, until finally my father's heart be melted.

But, since father had a car, we became a family life filled with contention. Starting from the fight of my two older brothers who make a fuss about our car. Since my older brother, SN Giharto graduated from high school in 1982, he has not got the job he wanted. He wanted to work in a shipping company, which he says gives a fairly high salary. He wants to get rich like her classmates, named Abdul Ghafur.

Back when he was in junior high school, SN Heryanto live with his grandparents in Pemalang. At that time I lived with my mother and father in the village of Wrayan. Every month he came home asking for money to pay for school and living expenses. However, it turns out he's not in school. He would rather have fun and play, in the streets with his friends. Father told him to continue the school again, however, he did not want to because it was big and felt embarrassed. Finally, the father sent him to work as a foreman in forestry, and my father 's own subordinates. However, he work only one year, and then stop with the excuse of being fatigued.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 46 - My Pen Friends

To eliminate my boredom, I back to my hobby with many pen pals to correspond with them. I put an ad match up several times at weekly newspapers, Sentana. I put the code name different. Incidentally my appearance in photographs may appear different from the other photo. I got up to dozens and dozens of letters from enthusiasts. Among them are those who are already working, and there is status as a student. In the mix I never look at religion, tribe, and nation.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 45 - Trying Finding a Job

With a budget of a high school diploma, I tried to register the work in PT Texmaco, a textile company, in the city of Pemalang. I worked as a receptionist, then moved to the folding sector. But after I worked through a period of training for three months of work, I did not pass. A few days before I did not pass, I 've cried, because I almost fell down when I want to sit in a chair. Therefore, the chair seat I pulled back quickly, by a male friend of my colleague. Yet in the next room, is where my boss sit. He heard then looked out and saw us.

Out of P.T. Texmaco, I worked in tobacco buffalo branch offices in Pemalang. I worked as a team leader. But I have not been up to a month out. Because I do not like my boss actions that have to misbehave with me. The story of my home after attending a briefing in Semarang. Went home from Semarang, before the evening came, one by one, my female friends on the way down. Finally, only I that still stay on the bus, my boss and driver .

On the way we stopped at a coffee shop, roadside. The boss gave me a capsule which is said to relieve fatigue. But secretly I throw it under the table. We continue the journey home. He wants to sit close to me. Then he laid his thigh in my thigh. The act makes me uneasy because he was afraid he might be doing wrong with me. I am thankful that I got home safely.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 44 - Mother Gets an Inheritance from Her Parents

In mid-1983, we graduated from high school. A few months before my father moved redeployed in Pemalang, mother gets money inherited from my grandmother. The money is used to continue the construction of tile-roofed house yet. Finally we can live with mom and dad at home. We are happy despite the rudimentary state of our house. The floor is ground, the walls replastered yet, and have not put electric lighting. In the building where the kitchen is used for cooking and storing processed teak wood beams, as well as various items of junk.

Many of the neighbors who was not happy to see our house had a roof tile. They are happy to defame our family by saying that if she can not inheritance, certainly can not put a tile roof. They sometimes behave well when dealing with our face. Usually they behave well only if given something.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 43 - Nosy actions, Insults and Vilification of My Neighbors

I frequently had a lot of visitors guy, make the neighbors hate us. The village youth who feel marginalized begin to interfere when my friends came to my home. They tell little children to peek and pelted us with gravel and corn Jagel. Many women are also very hated me, because they felt envy towards me. Almost every day, they gossiped pleasure while looking for lice. If there is a man of my new acquaintances, and when they asking them about my address, sometimes they do not want to show. But it incites, so that the man, thought better to meet at our place.

There are also people who do nosy, take and move the benches that used for seating our guests. We do not know who was the doer. Once sought after by my brother, SN Heryanto, knew that itwas placed on the bench under a mango tree near the house of my neighbors. About a hundred meters away from our house. Most of them, are those who hate me, are of the lower class and the uneducated Muslim.

To meet the needs of our daily lives, we take on debt to a merchant named Mr. Tasrip and his wife named Mrs. Tayah. Sometimes I felt be embarrassed. For if Mr. Tasrip had just returned from shopping with driving jolted, he then saw we were in his house to take on debt, and instantly his face turned into a frown, and sometimes says insinuating that really make our hearts ache. Almost every day we eat with a side dish of fried noodles and crackers without eating vegetables. Unbalanced nutritional needs, make me suffer gout.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 42 - My Teenage Years

After I graduated from elementary school, I went on junior high school in the village Pangkah. I and Sri Nur Giharti, my sister, boarding at Duku village museum, also with my brother SN Giharto at home of Mrs. Tami. But I do not like my brother, because he, SN Giharto is too grumpy. Only about half a year later, I and my sister, SN Giharti moved to the village of Posong. It is close to our school. Our boarding Father, named Father Ambari, a retired soldier, And our boarding Mom taught us that we "Mutih fast" for 7 days. We break the fast only with a plate of white rice with a side dish of fresh tofu and drinking water. We ate once a day every time after maghrib time.

After our final school examinations, we got our holiday. And we went home, in Pemalang. Then I went back to the boarding house to take a certificate in school. I went to a boarding house with my older brother Setyo Nur Heryanto by riding a motorcycle. On our trip was overheating. Because we do not wear helmets and jackets. Before leaving, we had lunch. I eat spicy and hot soup. Then I drank ice. As a result, after arriving at a boarding house at around 4:00 PM, I had a fever. Then I lie on my bed. But my boarding house's mother said that I was lazy boarding and just malingering, so she let me sick for a week without taking medication.

On Sunday the boarding mother's son, named Susnendar going to tell my parents, that I was sick. On Monday, my boardhouse mother bring me for treatment at the health center. At that time I had been seriously ill stated. Every time I eat and drink must always vomiting. My body is very thin, my eyes are yellow, up to my eyes as it spins. The doctor said that I was suffering from typhoid.

Once given the news, on Monday afternoon my mother came to my boarding house, I went straight to the supine sleeping, licking my belly with wet cloth. I slept in the back room near the kitchen. I slept on a couch reposed with bamboo midrib. At that time, I was very happy to meet my mother. Then she invited me home for approximately biweekly, thank God I finally healed.

After finishing junior high school, I continued to go to school at a private high school in Pemalang. Time to go to school at 0:30 PM. Finished at 5:30 PM. I lived in a village settled Wanarejan, Pemalang, with Sri Nur Nur Giharti and Setyo Heryanto. At that time, my brother has not got a job. Therefore, almost every night he goes to stay up with her friends. Home before the dawn call to prayer.

We occupy a building that houses the actual place for the kitchen, which is located separately at the back of the building houses for the bedroom, living room and family room. In between the two buildings that house, created as a clothesline clothes. What unites the two buildings, were walls with 3 meters tall, and a height of half a meter, which is located on the right and left. Inner wall of the kitchen is made of woven bamboo. The floor was still a soil. If night using a traditional lamp, called sentir. But sometimes when we sleep in the dark, we ever got some of our shoes and clothes stolen.

Until many years, our parents have not been able to finish building our house. When we were built the house has not been given a roof tile. Therefore, the building looks like the shape of a cube. It made me feel ashamed. I feel inferior, if met school friends. Moreover, I have a friend of the class, who is named is Imam . When he met me, he always makes fun of me. With a laugh he said, "Her house like a Kaaba." Sometimes he deliberately said in front of people, if you think about it, I should be proud. For the Kaaba is a very sacred building by Muslims around the world.

Although my family lived in poverty, but I am trying to elate. I tried to hang out with school friends, and the friends of my brother Setyo NurHeryanto. Until I became famous. In addition my hobby corresponding with pen pals. Finally, I had enough insight, widely, and feeling insecure I turned into a sense of pride and happy. Almost every night of the week and holidays, a lot of male friends who come to my place. There is even regardless of the day.

My Fame made ​​a lot of men who do not know me, became very curious. A lot of male friends who are interested in me. Among them there are also jealous of each other, up to several times a fight ever occurred between them. There also were incited my boyfriend, my boyfriend slandered so I cut ties with my love. There was also another man who bet money, if it can make me fall in love with him. In one of the guys who bet told me, so I pretended to love him. In order for him to win the stakes.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 41 - The Attempting to Assassin My Father

At the beginning of each month, my father and my mother, together with the foremen and their wives went to the village of Pangkah, to take their salary money, and also all of their wives joined in Dharma Wanita meetings. They went walking along the path in the woods that way up and down and winding. If it rains the course muddy and slippery. And also, they have to cross the river that sometimes floods and with the heavy current. They walked tens of kilometers away in the until the village of Jatilaba. Then ride tricycles or wagon to the village Pangkah.

The women were gathered in the meetings and finished roughly around 04.00 PM. Before they went home, they first shopped somethings for souvenirs for their families, who in the house. Then their were went home. They arrived home roughly around 09.00 PM. An assortment of souvenirs usually food brought by my mother and father, among other pastry bread, milk , sardines, corned beef, and others. All of that is a joy for us.

Our family lived in the village Wrayan for approximately seven years. There we have experienced a terrifying event. Because we could have been a murder victim. The event roughly around 02.00 AM. Usually on every night, our family is guarded by two foremen. But that night, before it, my father had told the two foreman guards, not to have in watch. Because that night, the father felt sorry for them, feeling cold and surrounded by lots of mosquitoes.

That night my brother, Setyo Nur Haryanto, was sleeping in the living room lined mat, without lights. While on our front porch, given the lighting, a lantern lights. A few hours later, from the glass window, my brother noticed there was a shadow of the person standing in front of the front porch. Therefore , SN Heryanto feel suspicious, then get up and walk, he crawled, leading to the father's room to wake him up. Then the father told us to hide under the bed. My father and SN Heryanto stalking out of the house, holding a gun, a Mauser rifle, ready with firing position.

Outside the house, the father did not see the shadow of a suspicious person. But, the father noticed some people, seen from a little distance away, people were walking on the trail, which trail decreases towards in the front of our house. They carry the torch and whip in hand, they drove some cows to be sold to the market or anywhere else. SNH father and ventured out of the house. In the dark of night, father and brother go while holding a flashlight, heading home to the foreman, who was named Tanya. There are someone stayed at home, 3 foremen, among others named Mr. Sarwo, Mr Suherman, and Mr. Tasmun. They were informed about the incident, which had just occurred. Then, they tell the other foreman, Mr. Na'an.

The next day, in the village of Djatinegara being stirred by the news of my father meninggalny. The news made ​​my sister Hastuti Sri Nur, who lives with her husband in Djatinegara, crying. He thought that the father had actually died, because they were killed. Until she and her husband went to look at us. They were surprised when she met our father was still alive, and all members of the family in good health. We are very grateful to God for his protection over, he survived.

The incident, involved unscrupulous by a district leader and subdistrict military commander ( Commander of Military Region ). They compromised with a colleague 's father, who was named Mr. Kartubi. They have stolen the teak wood in forest areas under the control of my father. They feel shame and fear of severe punishment sanctioned. Because of their evil deeds are known father. Thus, to cover thier actions, then they are going to kill my father. The event, an ordeal for our family.

Dad likes to tell about his experiences. Said that father, had once ambushed a truck carrying stolen teak wood, which is carried by individual soldiers. And when the father was about to arrest them, signs them as going against the my father. Father, skillfully and swiftly subdue them with only assisted by a foreman. Then the father told them to run the truck to Perhutani office. In performing its duties, the father has the very high responsibility and dedication.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 40 - Remembering my childhood

I was born in the village Batarlong, Pemalang City, Indonesia, on July 4th, 1964. My education only up to high school. I was the 6th child of 7 siblings. With 2 men and 5 women. My mother named Siti Jaetun, she's just a housewife. My father, named Soetresno, and he worked in the forest department, the Police Chief Forest Resort. We stayed at the home office, in the village of Sokawati  Ampel Gading, Pemalang.

My mother is a widow with 3 daughters, when she married my father. And my father was a bachelor and he was 6 years younger than my mother's age. And my father said, that my father married my mother, then my mother wed her first daughter who was only about 15 years old. Her son-in-law he was the same age with my father. His name is Sudadi, and worked as a policeman.

To the right of where we lived, about 50 meters, there is a cemetery. In front of the house, across the street there is the flow of the river, for irrigation. In the river, I like to play alone, with the game "Lost in Wreck." On the surface of the water, on the river, I was on my back and relaxed, making me not sink, and I drifted to the extent of approximately 100 meters. Then I walked back to the river, and then I did the same thing again, until I get bored, and go home.

I play with this game, without being noticed by my parents. I felt there was someone who invited me to go to the river. But, once I got to the edge of the river, I do not see anybody. Finally, I played alone until finally I was scared to play again on the river, after I had a very scary thing, for me.

Initially, when I play a new one, then I want to repeat it again. I walked back in the middle of the river, against the current with the depth, the extent of my chest. When I stepped my foot, the sand on the bottom of the river, which is beneath me, come drifting on the water, up to 2 steps right and left foot. For the third time, my right foot stepped, I tried to calm sigh. Well, in that time, I do not know the God, and do not know how to pray. Because, I am still very small and young. I was 5 years old. I walked to the edge of the river and I went straight home.

There again, an incident that makes me feel very scared. One day I were asked by my older brother, SNH to swim in the river, the water is very swift. I tried to take a bath in the river banks. However, I float, I tried to hold on to the grass that grows on the banks of the river. However, every time I hold the grass, up to several times the grass was uprooted, because the weight of my body. And I want to requested a help with SNH, but himself is tried to fight against the current, and tried to went on the river bank .Until finally, I managed to climb to the top of the river bank.

In my memory, in 1969, our family moved into the house of my grandparents, from my mother's side. Over the past 2 years, our family lived in poverty suffer. Therefore, the father out of office as Chief of Police Forest Resort, because it has been vilified by his colleagues. Almost every day, I do not meet my mom and dad. Because my father was always went home at night, and my insomnia. My mother also almost every day is not at home. I do not know, if my mom goes somewhere .

Almost every day I do not eat, for breakfast. In one day, I ate only 2 times a day. I also, just eat with rice and a sambal ( chili sauce ). Sometimes, with paste ( paste is a gift from my grandmother's food. Petis is a spice commonly used deposition to fry chicken. ) My grandma getting paste it, from the woman 's sister -in-law, my mother had a restaurant business. She is a widow, and named Siti.

Stay at home grandparents , there is one neighbor , who was in the right, which is named Siregar , and served as Chief of Traffic Police . She has 3 boys , wife to both. The last child named Edi . Their families have arrogant nature , and likes to insult me , until I get angry and I fought with him until my clothes were torn and I went home in tears.

Both of my parents, not watching me, at all, and also my sister, Murti. Up to two times, I have made ​​a wretched mistake at her. I ever pushed her, when she crouched at the edge of a small bridge, until she fell down a small river in front of the house. And secondly, I 've hurt her nose with a razor, when I sharpen a pencil in front of his face.

My parents never noticed me and Murti. During the holiday, twice, I do not get new clothes. Until I feel sad , and very shy. I feel ashamed, at some my nephew, when they came home to my grandfather and grandmother. They wear new clothes and nice. But not for me. Although even when it was, I was only 6 years old, but I already have a feeling of shamefu;.

At the end of 1971, our family moved to the village Lobongkok, after my father declared by his officer that there was no evidence to make mistakes, and then my father again served as the Chief of Police Forest Resort. And finally, we stayed at the home office of the Department of Forestry. Then I moved school, and I was sitting in elementary school, grade 2. When I was in grade 2, I didn't up classes, to grade 3, once .

In early 1974 , my father moved to the village of Wrayan task , Tegal , and I come to move to a new school in the village Lebakwangi . I sat on the bench 4th grade . In my class there are only two female students , which my friend and one of my bench named Marwah . He does not like me , I am always sad , every time a Muslim subjects . I do not know if it was told to write or read Arabic . But he does not want to help me to answer the questions of religion .

In my class , there were two boys who hate me , named Slamet and Safari . However , there are also who love me , who named Hufron . I feel depressed , because in my class is the only one female student and lasted until I graduated from elementary school . I am depressed because they always call me as " Boy " repeatedly . I feel embarrassed , because the word " Boy " is the name of my dad's dog . Boy always accompany my father a foreman with the employees , each of my father patrolling the forest .

Just not one of my classes , which insulted me , but also other children . On the way home from school or leaving , sometimes there are children who call me , " Boy " . I did not dare turn in shame . They are also often said to me , " Your father often depriving sickle ... "

My father was often seize and confiscate weapons called sickle, from the hands of thieves that stealing teak tree, to be used as evidence.

In addition, also, my brother, SN Giharto often do evil to me. He was always mad at me if I came home ahead of him. Because he does not like when I first ate more than him.

He was not happy when I eat first, because he considers that the food provided for him was the rest of the food I eat. So he likes to hit my back, very hard. Although very ill, but I was trying not to cry. Useless, my mother and father did not punish him with punches anyway.

I never once saw my father angry and all the kids ran out of the house to avoid the wrath of my father. Usually the father can get angry if it is experiencing fatigue, after returning from patrol in the woods with walking up to tens of kilometers. Perhaps because my mother why less attention to my dad. Or are there other reasons unknown.

It may also be the father was in love with a widow named Halimah. She is the daughter of Mr. Tanya. Mr. Tanya himself offer his daughter to my dad. But my father did not respond to him. I never once saw Mr. Tanya and his friends playing a gambling card, in the home office where I live.

I often feel scared, when watching mom and dad fight each other. I 've seen the occasional quarrel between my father and my brother,  SN Giharto. When the SN Giharto went home to ask for money on my father. He went to town and he lived in a boarding house, ride in one family in the village Pangkah.

Almost every week, SN Giharto went home. Though father had given her lunch money for a period of one month. He was always fighting against my parents. When he dared to throw sharp objects, crescent, in a direction of my father, but didn't hurt father. Then he said, "Fortunately, not on your neck. If exposed, your head would be cut down...!!"

In early 1974, my father moved to the village of tasks Wrayan - Tegal. Our family at the home office that is located on top of the plateau, on the outskirts of the oak forest. The house, facing south. In addition to the house there is a footpath to the east, the road leading down to the road is quite wide and rocky. Everyday, there is only one vehicle that passed that way, and this way across the middle of the woods up and down, and also the winding.

In front footpath running up and down and also winding. The road from the south downhill, heading toward our home office, and curving toward the west. The road is a shortcut that connects the village Djatinegara and Jatilaba are quite crowded, and also headed to Slawi.

Every on Animal's Markering day, there are some people who herded cattle pass through the shortcut. Across the street, there are two shops, a place to sell sugar water drinks, from palm trees. Two of the sellers is an old woman, who was named Mrs. Wasi and Mrs. Mal .

Almost every afternoon, me and my older sisters, are like sitting on the front porch of the house. Sometimes, I play badminton and sometimes catching dragonflies and butterflies, together with my sister, Murti. We do not have any friends to play with together, because we live in a remote place and it was very quiet. It makes me sad.

Every morning and afternoon I only saw a few passers-by to the spring water, for bathing and washing their clothes. Spring is located in the valley in front of the house. Sometimes I also, used it to play in the spring. In addition, there are also people passing by to look for firewood in the forest.

I like to pay attention to people who are searching for firewood, and I imitate it. One day, I was playing alone in the house on the west side, there is plenty of dry wood were scattered. Then I took and I cut one by one. Until finally, my left hand fingers cut and bled a lot.

On weekends, at the end of the month, there are quite a lot of young men and girls through the trail, in front of our house. They are the students who attend Slawi and boarding there. They want to return to their respective homes.

One day, my second sister, SN Sriharti and SN Hastuti, get acquainted with some of the young men who happened to be in taverns, in front of our homes. The young man, is a newly graduated students high schools. One of them, someone loves SN Hastuti, he was named Sus Waluyo.

During dating, about 6 months, then SN Hastuti pregnant, had been pregnant for 3 months of age. Her Pregnancy makes us angry because my parents have to bear the shame. Pregnant before the official marriage is one thing that is very embarrassing thing, especially in the Country of Indonesia. Finally, in mid-1974, both of our parents wed them.

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The Story of My Struggle Part 39 - Dreams of 2006 until mid-2008 in Ajibarang City

I dream I said to someone " I want to say about me confessions in my dreams . But I was embarrassed , even though I'm in a dream . God gave me 4 degrees . I'm a prophet , I am a Prophet , I'm the mayor , and I was the Queen .... "

I dream of saying to a Muslim man . I said with a little snap as somewhat angry , " Islam yes Islam ! There is no flow , which is my Islamic right ! "

I dream of sewing thread seams apart . I sew , use a hand needle and my heart said , " To exercise patience .... "

I dream of saying to a Chinese woman , " said the Buddhist religion , why do you hate .... ? "

I dream to meet my dad , and he said to me in the Java language , and repeatedly . " Dick .... " That is , " sex " " male genitalia ... "

When I sleep , my heart said , " rank was exalted by God .... "

I dream of sitting on a high chair . I saw some women that were walking and talking about the young man who was making a statue of me , which is made ​​of stone . They 're making my nose shape . I walked over to them . And they said . " We will make you an angel , " Then I said , " I was given the title of God 4 . I'm a prophet , I am a Prophet , I'm the mayor , and I'm the queen . The prophet is not necessarily the Prophet , not necessarily mayor , not necessarily the Queen .... "

My dream was angry at a man , when in the village where my parents live . I said , "Everywhere , I hated ... ! Beware .... ! Screams of pain inner scream I'm biased volcano blow .... ! ! God ... ! God ...! God ....! "

I dream of saying to a man , " God gave me a miracle . Blue sky at the time I was exposed to witchcraft . I saw two kites white twins when I was on my way . I rosary necklace when I maghrib prayer ... "

I dream of drawing a circle in the sky and there is no line in the middle fingers . I see the numbers 2 and 8 , as well as other numbers , and also I did not get to see the words that say abaca . In addition, I saw my favorite food . Then I said to the guy , " Look ! I was there favorite foods , Tempe , Tofu , Jengkol , Petai . "

I had a dream , I was angry as he lifted my hand straight forward with the fingers of both hands gripping my stiff , I said with a loud voice , " I'm your black magic ! " " I'm evil , but the evil I was , just the bad guys ! " Then I said, " Well, it's okay .... "

I dreamed I saw a few people , male students was joking , and I said to myself , " What the students should not be kidding ... ? "

I dreamed of a man said angrily , " I'm going to move to Buddhism , if Islamic law thought .. ! "

I had a dream , I was mad at my brother who looks dull , and I said , "No wonder ..! Because you are lazy and slouchy ...! What you do not believe me this prophet ? I am a Prophet ? Better believe , yes than you wretch ! Prophet Muhammad received revelations through dreams while not ... ? What God disguised as a man ... ? "

When I sleep , I hear the sound of a creature , which is said in the Java language , " Turu ... " meaning sleep .

I had a dream , I said , "If you want durable and beautiful , meditation . "

I had a dream , a woman told about my dream , that I saw the picture of me in the sky of a series of things that painted the stars . Then I look at the sky with my index finger , pointing to the top , I said , " Look at that sky ... Look , it's a picture of me . "

I dreamed I saw rocks falling and tumbled from the sky , and I saw a strip of land crumbling cliffs . I tried to take shelter under the trees . In front of me there was a man who deflect rocks toward him . Then I said , " The stones were falling from the sky , because I figure statue is being built , which is made of the stars . Odor - stone was falling because a lot of people who do not believe ... "

I dream of saying , " My religion Confucianism, as long as not worshiping the gods .

I dreamed of seeing the stars in the sky glow, light and time is not blinking , so that the sky is blue and the more modestly , down close to me , at the top . I saw a white cloud behind there is a blue globe . It makes me scared and I called many times , the word " Mom ... ! " In the sky I saw a boy who took a chunk of land many times and dropping chunks of land in my direction , but none of the about me .

I dreamed of meeting with two young students. One young man showing his genitals were for seed corn . I said , " I have a brother ungodly . " My thanks to my sister , " Do you still not believe ? God gave me 4 degrees . I'm a prophet , I am a Prophet , I'm the mayor , I'm the queen . Blue sky when I fasted for 6 months , and when I got witchcraft . " While I was looking for a fabric that is blue , I said , " It was like this ... " I also see kites twin white ... " Then I went , and the young man called me to ask for my address . I was surprised when suddenly a young man who only kissed my cheek . I do not want to and I said , "I am old ... " I saw the young man 's left hand , stump . Then I said , begging God many times , "Bless this man ... Oh God ... " Then I saw the sky in the west there is a drawing hand , and along with it , it creates one hand and then converges on the stump of his men .

When I fell asleep , my heart said , "Better believe , rather than harm ... " The words of my heart , because I do not believe in my own dreams , and of the confessions of me in my dream , that I got 4 degrees degrees of God .

I dream , I met with the mother -in-law . He told me to sew 2 mukena ( clothes for prayer , for women ) that dijadika 1 mukena . And when I sew , the needle suddenly broken . Then thread the needle that is white , I leave it to my husband , and I had to follow my mother -in-law and said , " You despise me because the battery , not an employee , not ... ? "

When I sleep , I woke up because I heard a voice blast shocked .

When I sleep , my heart said , " Mandatory disembahyangi ... " The point is , everyone should respect me as a lover of God .

When I sleep , my heart said , " Great expectations ... " That is my hope to lead the human race , in order to live in peace without a war .

I had a dream , telling a man about my dreams . I saw the sky bersap -sap , and the sap filled every image I . Then I said quietly , saying to myself, "I'm the Queen ... I'm so ... I'm so queen queen ... " When I look at the sky , I see my face , painted from a series of stars . I also saw a light that runs form the circular line . "If you do not believe , what you like , I curse you ... ? "

I dreamed I saw a mosque and a fence made ​​of gold . In the fence , a lot of people were standing in line , and I said to myself , "Here is no idol Muhammad . " My point is , I was an idol which is really commendable .

When I sleep , my heart said , " Great expectations ... " My hope for peace and peace for all people in the world .

When I sleep , my heart said , " Sun Rise ... "

I dreamed of walking and met a woman . He said to me " How biased , white earth .. ? So I forgot ... ? " The point is , he likens me is the earth .

When I sleep , my heart said , " This news is sanctioned ... " That is news that will undoubtedly truth , and give rise to a polemic . Previously I thought and asked God , " Is it true that Prophet Muhammad is the perfect moral ... ? Is not he lost the war , to fight his sexual lust .. ! So that he has more than one wife ... ? "

I had a dream , I said , " I embrace all religions , Alla gave me 4 degrees degrees . I'm a prophet , I am a Prophet , I'm the mayor , and I'm the queen ... "

When I sleep , my heart said , " Do not count the cat hair .... "

I had a dream , I said to my son , Ajisaka LB , " God gave me 4 degrees , " Then the son , said , "The title prophet , is not it ... ? " Then I said, "I am the Prophet , I am a Prophet , I was guardian , and I was the Queen . Sri Nur Nastiti SAW . "

I dreamed I saw the sky , there are pictures of the eye . And it is a woman's eyes are very beautiful .

I dreamed I was in a very high plateau land , and I saw water flowing and I was very scared , in case of flooding . Then I screamed hysterically , calling the name of God , " Allah ....... !"

When I sleep , my heart said , " I have the talent to do evil . "

I had a dream , I did not feel strong enough to withstand suffering mental illness , which I experienced , so I screamed , " Allaah ....! "

When I sleep , my heart said , " Lying on Muhammad , Lying to the commendable ... " Previously , because I was thinking about the trilogy and I think it's wrong , then I say to my two sons .

When I sleep , my heart said , " Design kingdom .... "

I had a dream , I said to the Chinese , " I love meditation , I embrace all the teachings of religion .... " Then he said , " Doing good deeds is very ... "

I had a dream , I was angry with a man and I said to threaten , "Do you want , I curse you to be a dog ... ? Like a brother -in-law I ... ? Condemnation of a guardian will always be granted by God ... ! "

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The Story of My Struggle Part 38 - My Dream Through 2002 Until 2005

My dreams through 2002

I see sheep in the sky dream that formed from clouds of white. Partially filled sky writing. I ran to the field to read it. And I said to myself, "Look forward to hearing news from heaven."

I dream of seeing a strange man, was sitting in a chair and look at a statue of Buddha sitting cross-legged. On the side was a statue that was standing, he was a statue of Islam. The man with the inner strength and mind trying to raise a statue of Buddha to be higher than the statue that stands next to it (the statue of Islam). So with inner strength and my mind, I lowered the Buddha statues into place the same height. The two statues of colored translucent as glass.

I dream to see SNG drawing table and chairs for guests. And I said to myself, "Wait arrival of new guests."

I dream of seeing my father being saddened at the thought of my mother's death and because the father suffered throughout his life. I said to mententeramkan her, "Believe me ... My father's father was the most beloved of God Worldwide ...."

I dream to see two women dressed in black veils. One woman asked a friend of his is, "Where women are candidates prophet ..?" Then the other woman, his finger pointing to me, instantly I was crying uncontrollably.

When I sleep, my heart said, "The end is close, but somehow when it's time. They will be afraid to see the face of God. "

I dream to see the sky and screamed, "Allah ..... Inflict punishment on those who commit tyrannical ... "Then I saw there was lightning in the sky darting.

I dream of seeing a cloud in the sky image that resembles a spider nets, very close in the sky fell on me, so it was like being in a shell.

When I sleep, my heart said, "Only God is worthy of worship .." The word of God is the answer. When before I sleep, I think about the oneness of God, and my heart said, "O Allah .... Why do many Christians worship God ..? "Lord Jesus, God the Father (God) and the Holy Spirit.

I dream of seeing nature become dark due to power outages, and I saw a lot of people looking hymn by saying, "La illaha Illlah ...."

I dream to see there are some people, and one of them was asked his friend, looking up at me, "It was a prospective queen ..?" And I said to myself in the Java language, "Wiji Tukul", meaning that seed grow.

My dreams throughout 2003

I dream of being in the house and I opened the door, I saw a very beautiful sky and the stars of different colors, and I saw the Earth, then my heart says "The earth is near."

When I sleep, I said to myself, "When death is only a matter of time."

I dream of seeing in the sky there are many images of women who lined up, and I said to myself, "female characters."

I saw a dream as a sign of turbulent sea, And my heart said, "Today will be the apocalypse."

I dream to meet my mother. My mother took me until I boarded the train to the horse. I saw paddy fields and I saw a pair of men and women dressed in traditional Javanese ran in the middle of rice fields toward me. Then they go up to a horse-drawn carriage with me.

I saw in the sky dream no Indonesian islands.

I dream of sitting in the chair. On the left, on the back of me, there was a woman who was sitting. In between my seat and the woman, constrained by fabric curtains. I accidentally touched the curtain fabric, so little open, and the woman is not happy, then I stood up and I said angrily, "Do not you believe that I am the prophet ..! Do not you believe that I am the messenger of Allah Prophet ...! "

I dream of seeing the sky, and I saw there were two large trees that were planted by the magic in the middle of the river.

I dream to see the sky and there are human footprints.

I dream my sister stroked his chest and said, "This is my treat with my white hands." Then I said to myself, "What would become of the future of this nation?"

When I was sleeping, I said, "God is God, Man is Man!" The word of God is the answer, as I think and ask God, "O God, Why Christians regard Jesus as Lord?"

I dream to see Buddhist monks sitting cross-legged while sounding flute, then he approached me.

My dreams throughout 2004

During 2004, I was lazy to record my dreams, because when I was sick. In addition, I think my dreams are not meaningless. I noted the words of a dream about my heart when the Tsunami disaster in Aceh and other countries. Among other things I said:

"You do not know who I am, I'm the mayor!"

"You do not know who I am, I'm the Queen!"

"I'm the Queen, all bow to me!"

When I sleep my heart saying in Arabic, repeatedly, "Yaa Abadanan ...." The words echoed strangely, my heart stratified. Echoes of my heart to touch the bottom of the depth of my Qalbu. Well abadaan meaning immortality. I do not know, what is enduring over me? Perhaps the truth of God or dendan pain in my heart that I would be taught lasting till doomsday.

My dreams throughout 2005

I dream of saying, "I was maid, now I'm the Queen!"

I dream of riding the bus, then the engine is off, but the bus can run on an uphill road, the bus then walk backwards and turned to walk down and will hit a tree, so I invited the passengers to pray by reading the Qur'an, sura Al- Baqarah 255.

I dream said angrily, "I was a maid, now I am a queen!"

I dream of saying, "Should Christians as Muslims when praying, There is no God other than Allah, and Muhammad is the messenger of God, so that there is no god but Allah, and Jesus the messenger of God."

I dream of a prayer uttered the phrase "Lahaula illa billa wala quotas," which means "There is no power and effort except with the help of God."

When I sleep, my heart said, "It's time to rest your heart."

I dream to see sampan boat then my heart says, "Row!"

When I sleep my heart to say Surah Yasin, verse 29, "In kaanat illaa shayhatan waahidatan faidzaa khaamiduun hum ...." Which means "Having come from the word of God, the only one shouting, then they all perish."

When I sleep, my heart said, "Have mercy on poor people ...."

When I sleep my heart said, "Indonesia is under a unitary state."

I dream of saying to someone, "You want my religion as well? Yes, Buddha. Siddhartha Gautama Buddha messenger! "

I dream of shouting and angry, "Ya Allah ..... Cut sex for men who raped .. "

When I sleep my heart saying, "Plaintiffs?" The point is that I should sue for divorce on my husband, because I hold a grudge on my husband and my husband's brother.

I dream of seeing a large snake in the sky was about to take a month, everyone fears.

I dream saying, "My religion is also kong hocu. God is one, which is important not worship the gods. God is All-Single, the only difference is the language. Allah is the Arabic language, the Sang Hyang Widhi Sanskrit. "

When my heart was saying, "I am not an artist Fame movie ..!"

I dream of a fight and threatening to a woman, "Watch out ..! If I become a guardian ..! I'm a prophet, I am a Prophet, I am the queen ..! I was the only woman and the Seal of the Prophets guardian ..! "

I got a call from a dream of the teachers, and she said "I do not want to deal anymore with the devil ..."

My dream was embraced from behind by a clergy, and he kissed my right cheek.

I dream of saying to someone, "I'm a very cruel and very compassionate ...."

I dream saying, "Where there are people who can see angels in the form of kites, except the Prophet! The story of my life is a gold mine .. "

When I sleep, my heart said, "Do not slander .."

When I sleep, my heart said, "The loss of yourself!" This is the answer of the Lord, when I was depressed and wanted to do something bad to me.

I heart the words, "In the past I have been adrift with his motherland."

I dream to see the water vapor in the sky that dark moment, then light, dark light again and again, and so on. The vapor arising from my curse, I said repeatedly, "God .... Give them doom! "Then someone said to me, so I am careful in speaking.

When I sleep, my heart said, "There is no prophet whose heart the weak ...."

I dream angry and said many times, "Give Tsunami ...!" But then sya say forgiveness "Good heavens adzim thing" and a prayer asking forgiveness "There is no power except the power of effort and with the help thee O God ..."

I dream of chasing a guy and I said, "I need and are looking for a writer."

I dream of saying to someone, "Remember ...! What the Buddha taught, Remember how the teachings of the Prophet Jesus. Do not you just love the people who love you, but also love those who hate you. "

When I sleep, my heart said, "My heart is happy despite the disaster."

I dream of seeing a husband and wife, intend to visit the tomb of his family. Previously they memorize a prayer in Arabic. But they could not, even though it was read over and over, then I said to them. "Using the Java language only, so they can know what it means, when we are dealing with God ..." While I collided into two finger vertically to form a triangle.

Say hello to my dream of spirits, "Assalamualaikum, Ohm Swastiastu, Namo Budhaya," Then he said, "Namo budhaya."

I dream to some teenage students said, "I embrace all religions." And my heart said, "The best protection is God ..."

I dream of being in a place and I saw a teenage boy in love with my students. Then he slept on the porch praying and I intend to get out of it, but I did not find the way. Suddenly I was sitting with two women. I saw the sky filled with stars are clustered. And I said, "Look at the sky infinite extent." Suddenly I realized that my bag was in one of the woman's lap. So I was angry and I knock both heads of the two women he say, "Innama Amruhuu Udzaa araada Syai a ayyaqulla fayakun lahu kun." Means: "Indeed all the affairs of the order, if God wills all things, God just said, 'Be' , then 'be' "!

I dream of being in the terrain along with some men, and I said, "I want to see an angel again. I want to fast, although I'm not hooded, but goodness me beyond the veiled woman .... "Then I walked and walked some men are also following me.

I dream of a fight with my husband, because I asked him to divorce me, and I said, "You do not know who I am!"

When my heart was saying, "Life is love."

I dream of saying to a religious teacher, I say to the Arabs, "I'm a prophet, I am a Prophet ..." And I swear by the name of Allah repeatedly.

I said to my sister's dream, Sri Nur Trimurti, "Mur .... You better believe that I'm a prophet than you wretched ...! "I'm angry, kicking plates containing up spilled food. Then I looked at the sky and said, "God .... You testify that I am the prophet .... "Suddenly there is one thing out of the sky like a cushion falls and I hold it.

I dream of sitting on a bench among men and women. In front of me sat a woman. He looked at me and laughed and said over and over again with the Java language, "Bunder ..." That round. And my heart said, "In a general view, I look amazing .."

I dream of being in a room views, in a house. There I saw a girl dressed Muslim. He's a bad boy, and he gave me 4 about questions written on a piece of paper, and the paper held by a cleric. Then I took the paper from his hand. Ustadz smiled and bowed his head. The first question is: Religion is ....

Religion is .....

I've heard the word Religion (Religion) of a Banthe (pastor of Buddhism). According to his knowledge, that religion comes from the Pali language - India. Religion consists of two syllables, namely A, which means "no", and Gama which means "move". So the word religion is not moving. Both body and mind are not moving or something else similar to meditation. When our minds can survive empty, then our souls will go out of our bodies. For people who are afraid should immediately aware of meditation. So, religion is not the verses listed in the book of books.

The purpose of meditation is to train the body and give the power to the brain stem, in order to control their emotions. Emotion is anger among other emotions, so as not to say rude and insulting other people, let alone to persecute and kill. Other emotions, is the emotion of lust, sex in violation of the rules of God, such as sex with a prostitute, rape, and others, such as stealing, robbing even, as well as other actions that violate God's law.

Should we often do fasting, at least two times a week, or fasting for seven days in a row in 1 month. Better yet, when we eat a meal without taste salty, sweet, sour or when we run fast. We must always contemplate the greatness of God who created this universe, remember an event that painful or pleasing. So by itself we can be patient and compassionate, loving care for one another.

We should not hate the devil, because the devil himself is not willing to be a demonic creature. He only used as a means of testing one's faith and devotion. We as humans must have an inner strength when we are being tested in the face of a problem. If we made it through one problem after problem that came and went, then God will surely come Substance flow with the flow of our spirit. Zah God into our body through the nose the way our breathing.

We're not going to feel that our degrees higher or lower, if all people living in this world, can do so. Because no matter how small the crime, that there is only love and affection. Reciprocate kindness, mutual respect of each other, helping each other. Between men and women, have the same degree in the presence of God.

Partner for human life is one, one by one, it is fair, Justice. Or partner swapping, wife or husband, two by two. Justice in the sense of husband and wife, the same feeling about the beauty and joy of life change partners. In addition, it is also a wife will not feel lonely, when her husband went from house to house wives take turns going into the second, and so on. Because his first wife to a husband who also has two (Polyandri).

The meaning of a true justice in the conduct for a man polygamy is fairness between husband and wife. Not justice between the wives of the first with the other wives, the provision of property from their husbands, and whether or not old husband stayed home with one of the wives of all his wife. Polygamy and the legal division of the estate is the doctrine egoism Muslim men in ancient times, which is going on until now.

Forcing the wife to suffer from psychological stress due to jealousy and resentment. Women who are already married can also fall in love with another man. Why do women have to handcuff her love for another man? But a man should vent his sexual desire in women other than his wife. Animals also must have a sense of jealousy. Berpolygami man who is equal to the beasts, a lion precisely.

Islamic teachings about polygamy, contrary to Surah Yasin, verse 36, which means:

"Glory to Allah, who has created everything in pairs, both of which are grown by the earth, and even of their own, of what they do not know."

Priaa necessary warning to the Muslims, to remain steadfast following, and if you've got a pretty wife. They must accept, even though his wife about the circumstances. A Muslim woman who claims to be willing, if her husband share the love with another woman, it is a big lie. He's just crazy to praise from others. That he praised as a great wife, stoic, and willingly because it signifies that he is obedient wife to her husband.

Only the foolish woman who thinks that polygamy and the legal division of the estate in accordance Islam (women got the part, and he got two parts), it is a statute law of God. God also does not specify death by beheading (defendant beheaded), to someone who has been sentenced to death. Including the obligation for women to wear clothes that are very tightly sealed (In this case, women who wear the headscarf and veil). Useless dress closed, if the men had impure thoughts and evil. They could be a victim of rape.

A wife who was pregnant with his baby, if her husband (In this case, the husband who berpolygami) away from home leaving her, to take turns staying home another wife, he must (wife are expecting a baby), feeling jealous and hurt at the time imagine him making out share the love with the wife of another. Jealousy and resentment, it can cause a sense of pent-up hatred in the heart. Nature of this hatred, definitely decreased in children who are in the bladder in her womb. Though the seeds of hatred can lead to the evil nature of the human person, from one generation to the next generation.

I dream said repeatedly, to give advice to someone, "Fasting ...."

I dream of seeing in the sky there is a beautiful picture puppets and colorful. I said to a husband and wife. They were Chinese. On them, I said with my hand index finger pointing to the sky, "the sky is beautiful to me ...." Then came Dambar King Satan in the sky. I sat down with a guy and I said, "it's called Satyasa Puppet ...? Always ...? Always ...? "Then I got into the room in a home. At home, many men and women who were sitting on separate benches. In the seat, there is an Indian woman was sitting teach Hinduism. I also noticed there were 2 men who were sitting on separate benches beside the rows of benches. They pay attention to me. And I also said, "The name of my kids like the Hindus, because I hate the Muslims who had tarnished the image of Islam. I was the first person, the originator of this doctrine. I am an intelligent person ... Ohm Swastiastu ... "Then I was outside the house, and a sudden heavy rain, and I covered my head with my hands. While I call God's name over and over, "God ....," Because I was afraid of a big flood. Then suddenly the rain to subside. I ran, and I fell flat on the pools of water mixed with fire.

I dream of my heart saying, "Say aoa has to say, if indeed it is true ...."

I dream to see the sky is white and black patterned with stripes lengthwise. And I see there are a lot of people are holding ritual offerings (Javanese culture). And I saw among them was a man similar to Prophet Isa AS who was holding the umbrella. But I pretended not to see it.

I dream got a short message (SMS) that read, "Stay strong to disaster."

When I sleep, my heart said. "Al-Qiyamah"

I dream to see his picture in the sky there is Satan king Ravana. I dare to challenge with staring eyes, the eyelids are colored yellow. The devil will come down to earth, so many people fear, ran for a hiding place. Me and my son went into the forest and hide in a house. I ran and saw a large sump flooding. I ran on the footpath next to no water mixed turbulent flames. I managed to survive, then I met a guy who likes me, and he said to me, "You're like a morning star ...."

I dream of seeing in the sky there is a beautiful picture colorful puppets . I said to a husband and wife . They were Chinese . On them I said, pointing my index finger to the sky , " the sky is beautiful to me .... " Then came the picture of King Satan in the sky . I sat down with soerang man and I said, " it's called Satyasa Puppet ... ? Always .... ? Always .... ? " Then I got into the room in a home . IN the place of many men and women are sitting on a bench rows . On the front there is a separate bench . In the seat , there was an Indian woman was sitting teach Hinduism . I see two people looking at a separate bench beside the rows of benches . They pay attention to me . And I said , "The name of my kids like the Hindus , because I hate the Muslims who had tarnished the image of Islam . I was the first person , the originator of this doctrine . I am a smart , Swastiastu Oh .... " Then I was outside the house and the sudden heavy rain , and I covered my head with my hands . While I call God's name , repeatedly , " God ..... , " Because I was afraid of a big flood . Then suddenly the rain to subside . I ran , and I fell flat on the pools of water mixed with fire .

I dream my heart said , " Say what you want to say , if indeed it is true .... "

I dream to see the sky is white and black patterned with stripes lengthwise . And I see there are a lot of people are holding ritual offerings . And I saw among them was a man similar to Prophet Isa AS who was holding the umbrella . But I pretended not to see it .

I dream got a short message ( SMS ) that read , " Stay strong despite disaster . "

When sleeping , my heart said , " Al - Qiyamah which means the apocalypse. "

I dream of seeing in the sky there is no face picture Satan king Ravana . I dare to challenge with staring eyes , the eyelids are colored yellow . The devil will come down to earth , so many people are scared , running around looking for a hiding place . Me and my son into the forest and hide in a house . I ran and saw a large sump flooding . I ran on the embankment next to the road there is water mixed turbulent flames . I managed to survive , then I met a guy who likes me , and he said to me , " You're like a morning star ... "

I dream of a man said to a psychic who was sitting in a chair in the family room couch our home office , " The story of my life is a gold mine .. "

I dream of bringing some monkeys , I sat dank - era monkey wants sit on my lap . I walk into a place inhabited by primitive man , and then they say hello to me , " Ohm Swastiastu ... "

I dream to see a lot of people are sitting in the middle seat and them, there is a blank , then my heart says , " Do not occupy the place of the Prophet .... "

I dream I was surprised to see a glowing light .

TO BE CONTINUED,,, (----->>Please Tell to all of your friends,, and share nor forward this Article, Thanks...<<-----)

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